I almost made it

Freedom is such a movable target. I have the freedom to wander around the house while the lackey is home – except for Nan and Pop’s bedroom. I have the freedom of the backyard – except for the gated off area around the car and the bins. I have the freedom to eat what I want when I want – provided the lackey learns my tastes. I am free to sleep any time I want – except for when the lackey wants to go to work and I have to move from the big bed to my mat. I can get a scratch whenever the lackey is around – except when she’s sleeping or eating or typing or in the small room next to the sink.

Yesterday, I thought I had the freedom to go over and visit the yummy, err, nice cats across the road. I was wrong in this as well as I quickly found a huge except clause. The lackey and Nanna were hosing down the plants in the front garden and the lackey had not quite closed the outer gate due to the hose running out of it. Nanna was changing spray thingies and doing stuff next to the fence and I sat and watched. And waited. Watched and waited. Then Nanna decided to go out to check on the lackey and she thought I was far enough away that she could open the gate wide and take her time getting through it. HA! Wrong! I was out and into the road before they knew what hit them. They both shouted at me but I didn’t care, there were cats to be found. I made it over into the yard which had quite conveniently left both big roller gates all the way open and I could bolt in past their cars and into the cat playground. Where were they? I could hear the lackey pounding closer and her tone was not very nice at all so I ignored her completely. I got past the bird cage, past the little pond and around the side of the house and the lackey thought she had me cornered in a one way out garden path. The neighbour lady chatted to the lackey and while her attention was diverted I shot past her and into their backyard proper. Where were they? The neighbour lady and the lackey then teamed up to corner me and I could tell the cats were off somewhere else so I plopped down on the grass and waited for the hand on my collar to drag me home. The neighbour lady was not upset with me – I guess because her cats were not home. The lackey was boiling mad at this point and I had just started telling her off for not letting me wander free in the street when Nanna swooped in and picked me up. Picked. Me. Up. Now how was I meant to argue with that? She’s old, my toenails are nice and strong, I would have hurt her, so I licked her face like it was all a big joke and let her take me home.

To say that the lackey was mad would be like saying cats are only mildly irritating. I tried to read her mind but it was in a mess trying to decide whether to yell at me or at Nanna or just cry or cuddle me because I was safe. I was all prepared to wash her face if she picked the last one when she tromped inside, told Pop to take me for a walk and poured a drink of that fizzy stuff she likes.

So then I want for a half walk with Pop. He’s slower than the lackey and we don’t go as far but I’m sort of free for a little bit and he lets me pick where we go instead of the lackey’s way of making me walk like a lady and play nice.

So freedom is a flighty thing. You can have it for minutes or moments or hours. It all depends on whether or not what you need to be free fits inside the limits that are placed around you.

We finally have a connection

For some time now, the lackey’s brain has been so clogged up with other stuff that I haven’t been able to get a word into and through her chaotic human brain. Sorry about that, my loyal followers but while I was trying to get in, I picked up a phrase that the lackey kept using – sometimes real life just gets in the way.

It all started two full moons ago when Pop had to go to the vet. No sooner had my lackey and Dylan’s lackey discussed this at length that the lackey and I head over there one sunny afternoon for a play date with Dylan. I did notice that Dylan’s lackey picked us up in her car and that the lackey had a much larger than normal treat bag with her but hey, that’s a good thing – or so I thought. Anyway, Dylan and I got to go mental in the backyard for a bit as both lackeys got in the car and headed off but only Dylan’s lackey came home! I’d been dumped! Bad lackey.

I stayed with Dylan and his lackey for a whole week – a week of no sleeping on the bed, a week of being demoted to beta, maybe lower some days if Dylan’s lackey was grumpy. Fewer treats, less kisses and cuddles. I was neglected I tell you! But gee we had fun when Dylan’s lackey went to work. The barking, the digging, the chasing – marvellous. I did get to listen to the lackey on that human phone thing – Dylan’s lackey called me over and I could hear my lackey far away and couldn’t scent her at all but at least I knew she missed me. A lot.

And then my lackey came home! I was so excited I may have peed myself just a little bit. My tail was wagging so hard I could barely stand and she gave me the bestest biggest cuddle and scratch and belly rub combination ever. We went home and I was alpha again! Treats, cuddles, the big bed, it was all back to normal. The lackey was okay too because Pop had come home from the vets all fixed up but she checked with Nanna every day for a while just to be sure. She didn’t even get to stay home with me for a few days, it was straight back to work for her so I missed out on two weekends in a row having my lackey to myself. Bugger it.

So I thought that her brain would calm down and I could take over again. Wrong. Her brain went even more messy as things at work are apparently hugely busy. This has continued now for weeks and the lackey has come home many nights upset and tired or both and some nights when we go for a walk, she is so snarly over work things, she walks so fast that I don’t need to pull on the harness to speed her up! Some nights I even walk beside her for a while as I’ve already had my fast bit trying to stay ahead of her. This is a good thing for both of us and we have bonded even closer. I don’t panic when she gets home any more as I know absolutely that I will get my big cuddle and my treat after we get inside and the lackey puts her shoulder bag down. I don’t beg for half of her dinner anymore as I know for a rock hard certainty that I will get the scraps after she’s done and my biscuits will always be there waiting for me. All we need to work on now is sharing the big bed. I still want my side and she still seems to think it’s her bed. I’ll keep kicking her and standing on her and licking her face in the wee dark until she realises that she’ll get more sleep if she goes out and uses the lounge. Or the laundry pile. I can vouch from experience that the spare doona on the bedroom floor is also quite comfy to sleep on. She should try it…

Things haven’t been quite right lately

A few weeks ago, the weirdness started. The lackey always cleans the house on a not-going-to-work-tomorrow day and then one night, she just up and started cleaning. Even got the noisy red thing out the cupboard – don’t make me shove you with the vacuum Lucy. On a work night? Okay, I can let that go. Then the next morning, she walks out the gate – she does know she hasn’t taken the car, right? I did grumble a bit and she shushed me and acted like this was normal – and then that night, she’s not home at dark. Umm, should I be worried? Nope – all is okay, I can hear her outside getting out of a car and talking to someone I don’t know. I am in heaven – it’s a spare lackey! This new lackey brings bags of stuff in and settles into nanna and pop’s room – ahhhh that explains the cleaning thing. But the next day, they went out and left me all on my own for the evening! Monkeys! Then joy of joys, the next day after that, another spare lackey! This one was very experienced and we bonded immediately as I could smell at least two masters on her clothes. We had a grand day in – Dylan and me tearing up the back yard and our lackeys and a spare lackey EACH for us. Then the next day another spare lackey turned up! More people in and out the house than ever with this lackey and I didn’t have time to worry with all these extra scratches and treats and cuddles. But then a few days later things changed again. We spent a lot of time at Dylan’s as our lackeys talked and talked and talked. Seems something is wrong with pop. Something he’s going to have to see a vet about. Vets are sometimes good, sometimes bad but they always stick metal things where you don’t want them to. The lackeys think he’ll be fine but they’re planning something, something I don’t think I’m going to like. I got my answer last weekend – I stayed the night with Dylan and the lackey was nowhere to be seen! Dylan’s lackey came over and chatted to my lackey (normal) and then my lackey put my harness on (normal) and then Dylan’s lackey took my lead and put me in her car and drove away (so very not normal!). It wasn’t until the next afternoon that my lackey came and got me. Boy was I happy to see her! I mean it wasn’t that bad. I had to eat outside coz it’s Dylan’s kitchen floor after all. I had to sleep on the outside of the bed coz it’s Dylan’s bed and it’s his lackey. But she fed me and I got treats and Dylan played nice – mostly - so that’s all okay. But I don’t think the weird stuff is over yet. The lackey is being super sooky and cuddly and I’m getting away with all sorts of things she normally yells at me for. She has been so off her game that our brain connection broke down and I couldn’t get her to do stuff for me there for a while but the other night, she was lying down and I jumped up onto the lounge and leaned on her chest and licked her face. She ewwwww-ed and carried on but mission successful, some of my spit got in her eye and soaked into her brain and we are as one again. Now, I have to get her to give you all this update and go buy me some more treats.

Getting Even

Some nights, the lackey and I are a fluid, eight paws of togetherness. Some nights we ain’t. Take last night as an example of discord. The lackey came home, we had treats, we had scratches, we had dinner, we had a walk. All good. The lackey made a phone call while I got comfy on the big bed. Again, all good. The lackey turned on the computer and turned her back on me. Very not good. I stood on the edge of the bed and popped my front paws up on the back of her chair and licked her neck to get her attention. That worked for a couple of nice scratches and then she turned back to the silly box. Right. This means war. The secret of a master campaign is to lull the enemy into a false sense of security – this works equally well with lackeys and cats.

Battle 1 – the lackey. Lay in wait, let them think you’re being good. Let them do whatever it is that is taking their attention away from you. Let them finish whatever it is and get ready for bed. Pretend to be asleep when they tell you it’s time to go out for a pee. Let them try and get into bed with you solidly unmoving smack bang in the middle of the fluffy covers. Let them start to fall asleep balanced right on the edge of the mattress… and then bounce up to make a big fuss about going out for a pee so that you drag them outside. You don’t need them for anything, you just them to get out of bed and get cold. This also means you have already won and can move on to the next battle.

Battle 2 – the cat. Sometimes cats play a game of chicken. They sit on the corner in their little gangs and hatch plans. Vast, daring, extreme sport type plans that involve high speed and a dog in the dog’s own backyard. This must be stopped at all costs. The most brave (or perhaps most stupid) of cats lives across the road from the blue house. It naps on the front deck where it knows I can’t reach it and then taunts me from the railing. Last night, it tried for the gold medal in the X Games by trying to run through MY yard while I had nice smelly bones to chomp on after the lackey had tried three times to go to bed and my barking had her running out in her jammies to shut me up. Not so extreme you might say, a cat is fast after all and I did have a full belly. Ah yes, I say, but you didn’t hear the stupid bloody bell around it’s suicidal neck. I did. Several times we raced over to the back fence and back at full tilt with that silly tinkling followed by my big girl bark and the lackey hissing – Lucy, shut up and get inside! No. Not while there’s a game of eat-the-cat to be played out. I lost the damn thing in the trees and the dark and went back to my bones and once she saw I was comfortably crunching on them sitting in the courtyard, she went back to bed. Again. This was a ruse to get rid of the lackey and go back to chasing the cat and barking. Apparently, the lackey doesn’t like barking after bedtime. Who knew. I soon worked out that the suicidal cat was trying for my bones. Not. Going. To happen. So I buried them. Once all of them were safely hidden away, the cat got bored and went home so I went into bed. Cat nil, Lucy 4.

Battle 1 part 2 – after burying your bones, do not rub your nose and paws clean in the grass, do it on the doggy cover on the big bed. The lackey was furious and wide awake in the small dark, I was triumphant and happy.

Now all that was left to do was to turn in circles the required three times widdershins and go to sleep to the victory lullaby of the lackey calling me an inconsiderate cow. And I did let the I’ve-been-evil snuffle rise as I nodded off.

I’m Confused

The lackey is breaking her own rules and our routine is changing and I’m freaking out about this! For the last two seasons, the lackey and I have fallen into a routine that suited me beautifully and the lackey just limped along trying to keep up. After reaching the end of the lackey’s rope a few weeks ago, there have been… changes. And not in the oh-look-there’s-more-food-in-my-bowl way, oh no, it’s in the my-lackey-has-a-mind-of-her-own way. This is bad! When the lackey stayed home from work for three sleeps in a row this weekend (which is odd but okay) we cuddled more, she talked to me heaps more and we played tug-of-war and went for walks and visited Dylan (which was all very nice) but the morning routine was off, totally off. She got up and fetched my breakfast when I slobbered in her ears – which is normal. I got a sleepy scratch and a treat in the laundry – which is normal. Then the weirdness started. The lackey had not washed or changed clothes and instead of getting in the car and leaving me for the day, she pats me, tells me I’m good then shuts the bloody inside door in my face and the house goes quiet! Ooooooo-kay. So I have my normal morning, bark a bit, chase the pigeons out of the yard a bit, sleep a bit. But the lackey is still inside and when I hear noises start up and then go to check on her, the inside door is now open and the lackey is washed and dressed in normal all-day clothes. Huh? We share some vegemite toast and that’s that. Back to normal afternoon and evening – sleep, eat, tv, cuddles, bed. Then she did the odd morning thing again – then normal eat, nap, Dylan’s, bed. Then she did it a third time – then normal eat, nap, play, eat, walk, tv, bed. So I thought, right, we’ve got a new routine. So this morning, I go for the new routine except she goes back to the old routine! I’m now so confused that I wet myself... and she didn’t get mad even though I was cowering and waiting for a scalding - she seems concerned FOR me instead. When she gave me my normal treat in the laundry, she followed me outside which over the last few days has meant we are leaving the house, so I follow her into the carport and then we play chase around the car for ten minutes while I try to stay in the carport and she tries to get me out of the carport then she lets me get in the car then she picks me up, carries me to the courtyard and plops me near my second treat which she left on the ground and then she scoots back into the carport and leaves me! What’s going on?! As near as I can tell, the only benefit out of this entire debacle is that the lackey got a lot more sleep. Outrageous! And to top it all off, for my birthday, all I got was one stinking extra treat. I tell you, a few more weekends like this and I’m eating a finger or two off while she’s asleep… after I pee on her bed.

It’s been dull – no, really dull, dull, dull

Life has a routine about it at the moment. It’s been a bit of bad weather keeping us from walking down the park and back each night so we play tug-of-war till the lackey’s shoulder is dislocated or we go over to see Dylan and his lackey for food and games of tag while the lackey’s chatter away like the furless monkeys they are. There have been a few fun moments scattered about but only a few. A bit of an embarrassing admission but I fell out of bed the other night. The best spot on a windy, wet night is to be snuggled down under the blankies next to the lackey’s legs where I have back support and natural warmth. She sleeps still most of the time and lying down along her legs has worked for us – until the other night. The lackey wasn’t quite in the middle of the bed and I failed to notice this in the dark when I climbed up, stood on her head and shoved at her neck until she lifted up the blankets and let me crawl into the warm spot. I slept quite nicely next to her legs for a while but at some point, we drifted over a bit in our sleep and when I stood up for a stretch and a yawn, I managed to slip off the side of the bed. Uh-oh, bad form. I stayed very still and waited to hear if the lackey had woken up. “Are you okay Luce?” came the half asleep mutter from above. Crap – she noticed I fell. I had to save the situation and quickly. I scuttled around to the end of the bed and stayed low until the lackey asked a bit more awake “Lucy, you okay?” then I popped up with the patented Staffy grin on my face in a move that I hoped would convey – tah-dah, I meant to do that, aren’t I clever? The lackey didn’t buy it for a second. “Yeah, yeah, look at you, get up here so I can check your legs aren’t broken”. I hopped up, got a quick frisk and then a big scratch. The lackey pronounced me an idiot and rolled over to go back to sleep. I could not allow this dismissal to go unchallenged and jumped onto her shoulder and tried for a game of scratch me if you can. The half-hearted belly rub I got was enough for me to worm back under her arm and for her to collapse back into slumber. Oh well, I suppose that’s better than her rushing to the toilet from laughing at me too hard.

I Found the End of the Lackey’s Rope

I knew from day one that the lackey was a push-over… or pull over or trip over. She’s got very little natural aggression and if there’s any growling between her and Dylan’s lackey, my lackey is the first one to back down. But every one has a rope and all ropes have an end somewhere – and I found the lackey’s first thing Sunday morning. I had spent all day Saturday at Dylan’s place. We had played chase for a bit then napped for a bit then had treats then napped some more. I barely noticed the lackey wasn’t there until tea time when I was ready for my next batch of crunchy munchies. Dylan’s lackey is a bit slacker when it comes to snapping to her doggy orders and we had small words but otherwise fine, then Dylan and I napped after that. Then I heard the unmistakable rhythm of the lackey’s car in the drive. I went ape-shit. I was SO happy to see my very own slave back in the house. The two lackey’s chatted for a bit – apparently the lackey had been somewhere and done something new and interesting but like I cared about that. We went home and straight to bed as the lackey was very tired. I woke her a few times during the dark just to make sure she was still there and remembered me. She did. At first light Sunday morning, I was so worried about being left with Dylan again for the day that I didn’t want to leave the lackey’s sight so when nature called, I answered – on the lackey’s bedroom carpet. She had woken up when I got off the bed and was suspicious straight away (there had been another peeing incident earlier in the week that now means that the lounge door is closed all the time whenever we are NOT watching telly). The lackey got out of bed and sniffed – Lucy, have you done something? She turned the light on and I knew I’d been caught red-bottomed. And here we are – right smack bang at the end of the lackey’s rope. She lost it. I knew I was in trouble as soon as she looked at me, so I gave her big puppy face but she didn’t buy it one bit. I was dragged off the end of the bed and my chin was shoved into the piss patch and a very loud, growling – did you do this? What could I do? I gave her more puppy soft eyes and dropped my shoulders in submission. She didn’t buy that either. I got half serve breakfast dumped into my bowl then me and the bowl were dumped into the laundry and the door was very, VERY firmly shut behind me. Sigh. I acknowledge it was my own stupid fault. The doggy door was open, I could have trotted outside, peed and got back inside without the lackey knowing if I had been soft and quiet about it. But I didn’t, I took the quick fix and it backfired spectacularly. So now I have a long road back to the other end of the lackey’s rope which I started last night by obeying the “Lucy, out for pee” command immediately. Really, a lady of my years should not have to be reminded when and where to piss.

Boys, bones and bed

Had a nice surprise during the week – I got my first crush. Sure, I’d barked at boy dogs on the telly before and the lackey tells me they’re not real as though I don’t have the nose to work that out for myself - idiot monkey. The other night was different. We were sharing the lounge in the front room just after dinner and it was cold and raining so there was no lap around the park to rush off and do, so we sat there and watched telly. The lackey operates it, as is her menial duty, and we end up on the most gorgeous Shepherd you’ve ever seen. He was a vision. He was jumping around, chewing on a squeaker and I just froze. I was enraptured, sitting there with my ears all propped up and my head just tilted over a bit to watch him better and I just had to yip and talk back to him. The lackey burst out laughing and asked me the dumbest question ever – Do you like him, Lucy? Well, gee, let me think. Actually, no, wait a minute, just let me sit here and watch him drop the squeaker and – the talent of this just blew my mind – he picked up a little watering can and watered the office plant! Shit, really? Is that what you’re meant to do to pot plants? I thought they were just emergency toys to be broken in case of boredom. We watched for a bit and then the lackey, in her most stupid upright-monkey voice started singing – Lucy likes Rex, Lucy likes Rex. I immediately had to shove my tongue into her face to get her to shut the hell up… but at least I now know his name.

Then the next day, I completely forgot him as the bones that the lackey had tipped onto the deck earlier in the week were finally rancid enough to eat and I spent the day dragging them about the yard and chomping them into sharp pieces. The sharpest ones, I scattered about the courtyard between the house and the carport because I’m laying traps for the stupid cat from across the road that keeps coming onto the front deck that I CAN’T GET TO! I must lure it over the fence, I must lure it over the fence.

Then the day we normally play – let’s see how many times Lucy stands on the lackey’s head before she gets out of bed – the game ended early when the lackey fled the house for the day. Apparently, spending her day eating and laughing with her friends is a better way to spend her time that getting a sore arm rubbing my belly too much. Erm, okay, I suppose she can have one day to herself. Mind you, when she got home, I demanded double treats and she did end up getting a sore arm from me making her reach to scratch my belly. Here’s the trick for those times when you want a scratch and to punish your lackey at the same time. Whine until they get the message and give you a rub. Do not lay down and make it easy for them. Stand up next to them on the bed and slowly lean further away from their shoulder to make them reach just that little more, little more, little more until some time later they realise that their back and shoulder hurt and they pull back into a more comfortable spot. Repeat. If it gets late and the lackey is reading a good book and not paying the action any attention, you can get them to hurt themselves. Ha hah ah ha ha - stupid human. Spent Sunday morning trying to trip the lackey up as she did housework, the afternoon napping on the big bed and the evening annoying the piss out of the lackey by interrupting her computer time then her reading time as much as I could be bothered to. A good week all in all.

It’s hard to teach an old lackey new tricks

We’ve been trying a few things to try and communicate better but it’s not working as good as I hoped it might. For example – when I wake the lackey up by nosing the back of her neck, we both know that means that I need her to lift the covers of the bed and let me crawl down to sleep in the warm corner behind her bent knees. Once I had this working well, I tried a new signal as I refuse to sully my mouth with her stupid language. So when I wake her up by washing her face, her ears, her neck, I’m telling her to get her lazy arse out of bed and feed me. The lackey does not understand the urgency of the request and I have to repeat the action several times some minutes apart before it sinks into her sleep addled monkey brain that I want food. I have also begun trying to command her to get out of bed when her noise machine turns itself on in the mornings by standing over her head hopefully pulling her hair in the process. Now the lackey misunderstands this one completely as every time I try it, she rolls over super quick and pins me down to the pillow like she’s trying so hard to be the alpha dog or something. Stupid monkey – she doesn’t have the right teeth for a start. Anyway, we’re going to have to work on that one. She does seem to understand my requests for walks though – I just dance and tear around the house till she picks up my harness and then I race her to the side gate. Only took me a few times to do that before she worked it out. Humans – their ability to learn seems strangely hit and miss.

spot the dog

I don’t understand

· Why can the lackey poo and pee inside the house on the loo thingy when I can’t even so much as rub by bum inside?
· Why is eating a rotting bone on the deck good and eating it on the big bed bad?
· Why is standing on the lackey’s lap good and standing on her head bad?
· Why am I not allowed to chase cats when the lackey doesn’t even like them?
· Why am I allowed to mess up the cushions on the lounge in the front room but get growled at when I mess up the cushions on the lounge in the tv room?
· Why is barking in the yard at strangers in the street good and barking in the lackey’s ear at 2am to tell her I’m awake bad?
· Why is licking the lackey’s face when she gets home from work good and licking the lackey’s face at 2am bad?
· Why is playing tug of war with the short twisted rope in the backyard good and playing tug of war with my harness lead out on our walk bad?
· Why am I only allowed to lick my bum when no-one is watching?
· If scratching feels so good, why does the lackey stop me doing it when I’m leaning against her back at 4am?
· Why does the lackey reward me for walking close when I’m on the harness lead and then growl about it when I do it in the kitchen?
· Why teach me to use the doggy door in the laundry and then complain when I use it between naps at night? Or is she really complaining about me coming back to bed with cold paws? Well then why can she cuddle me to get warm and I can’t plant my paws in her back to do the same thing?
· Why teach me to shake hands for treats and then yell at me for pawing her when I want treats?
· Why is all my fur on me cuddly and good and one single white hair in her clothes bad?
· Why does she get to scratch my tummy when I can’t scratch hers? Okay, so that one I’m okay with coz I can take as much as I can get but she still gets all snotty when I scratch at her. Just because my claws are perfect and hers are weak and soft. Oh, that must be it – she’s jealous of my nails.
· The one thing I do understand – humans are weird things that arbitrarily change the meaning of actions depending on the time of day and where you do them and whether or not they asked you first

A quiet life

More nights this week over with Dylan and his lackey for telly and music. Well, the lackeys liked it. Personally, I find watching fit human males in tight clothes as dull as watching the lackey do the dishes but she seems to enjoy it so I let her go. I don’t understand their music either but it keeps them quiet while Dylan and I play chasey and find-the-cat. Saturday we started the day with the lackey locking me out after breakfast so she could catch up on her sleep. Bad lackey. I was going to let her get away with it but I got cold so I starting telling the whole neighbourhood what a cruel monkey she was until she threw open the back door and snarled at me. I’m just hoping none of my friends saw her in her jammies without her hair brushed. Lazy lackey. I spent Saturday afternoon watching her clean and wash and tidy – for about ten minutes then I slept in my sunny spot next to the back window. Sunday was worse. Just before breakfast, the sky wasn’t getting lighter but darker with big clouds and then later the rain came down so hard the lackey had to turn the telly up to hear it. So I slept on the lackey’s leg all afternoon while she watched more telly. This one was better coz there was blood and meaty bits and I like the dog in the show too. When I called out to him, the lackey said: he can’t hear you, bub, Sam’s on the telly. Although I don’t think Sam is a real dog – he dived into a lake and went all the way under and when he came up for air, he was a human. My lackey watches some weird shit.

This is what we watched at Dylan’s - http://leverage-wiki.tnt.tv/page/Eliot+Spencer

This is what we watched at home - http://truebloodwiki.hbo.com/

Our Anniversary

Friday - Six months today that I’ve had this current lackey. I think she’s slowly getting to be where I need her to be. 7/10 - could try harder. I am expressing my disappointment in her lack of effort by continuing to wake her up each night. I may have to review this policy as the whole “a tired lackey is an obedient lackey” fails to account for her streak of rebellion.
Sunday - We’ve been over visiting Dylan and his lackey a couple of times this week as the lackeys have some new tv show they are watching. Dylan and I have fun keeping his neighbours alert and the cat he is cruelly forced to share the house with well away while we’re both there. Although, the ginger fluff factory was in the yard last night. It was lucky I was too focused on the yumminess in my bowl to realise it was sitting on the outside table watching me. When I lifted my nose from the now clean bowl, it was just in time to see a tail disappearing off the edge of the deck. I gave chase. The damn thing was too fast and too familiar with pre-planned escape routes for me to catch it. I did give the lackey a stern talking to when I got back to the door as she had just stood there, watching me eat, without pointing out the cat to me. Bad lackey.

you CAN teach an old lackey new tricks

Over Dylan’s again tonight and I gave the lackey another lesson in observation. Walking into the dark bathroom, I crept up to the back of the lackey’s legs and waited to see if she would notice me. She didn’t. When she turned, she stuck her great bog fat black boots out and promptly trod on my toes. I yelped and the lackey tried to step back, lift her foot and bend down to check I was okay all at once. Naturally, her monkey brain isn’t capable of this level of physical planning so her legs and arms got confused and she started to fall. Sticking out her arm may have stopped her face going onto the pointy corner of the tiled bath but that made her yelp as her arm was bent and weighted in a way that it doesn’t normally bend. I know the lackey is rather strong for a female of her useless species but she just couldn’t pull off a catching, diving one-armed push up with no stable footing. Idiot monkey. Anyway, this tough lesson has taught her to be hyper-aware of my movements at all times. Finally! It has even prompted her to change her walking style – she now slides her feet around me and tests her footing before transferring her weight. More of a wading bird style than the foot slapping stride she’s had till now. Now we can cross that lesson off the list, I’m going to move on to psychic feedback that compels the lackey to feed me without the need for me to ask for food in any way.

The price of getting stir-crazy

Three days of cold and wet weather meant that even though it was very cold last night, it wasn’t raining so the lackey and I NEEDED to go for a walk. But a small skid in the mud on our own footpath encouraged us to walk on the road for safety sake which is normally something the lackey does not allow. So that meant the park was a silly idea so we stuck to the paths and turned left at the school instead and went around a block we hadn’t been around before. Very quiet, hardly anyone home until we got to a very solid, very high fence and a Hellhound yelled at us at the top of his lungs. The lackey tried to get me to keep going but I wanted to tell him to shut up and not be so rude so I doubled back. Unfortunately for the lackey, neither of us paid attention to the long lead on my harness so one quick circle and a lunge later, the lackey was face planted into the footpath. She was not best pleased with this but was back up on her feet and yelling at me in no time. The Hellhound’s handler had heard him yelling and came out to check on him and saw the lackey fall, they assured each to her that all was well and we went home. The shortest walk in months was also the most eventful! When we did get home the lackey explained to me that she was relieved to have been wearing two layers of clothes as that saved her arms and knees a bit. She did point to her skinned knee and bleeding hand and told me I did it. No – you did that yourself, you idiot monkey, by not holding the lead properly and not reacting fast enough to my curiosity over a new friend. Still, I could see her point, or at least pretended to so I wouldn’t be commanded outside for the night. But in the deep dark, I felt a bit sorry for the lackey as she whimpered a bit when I stepped on her legs in the night so I thought and I thought about what I could do to cheer her up so I thought about what cheers me up and I had the answer – raw cow bones. I couldn’t go outside and get her the one I had left from the morning as the laundry door was shut against the cold so I did the next best thing – I hacked up the one I had eaten earlier. Now the lackey didn’t respond the way I expected. My walking to the foot of the bed had roused her a little so when she heard me yakking she said “Please don’t tell me you’re chucking on the bed”. Okay… but I was. The lackey made this strangled sort of I’ve-given-up sound and it seemed like she wasn’t going to get up and share my second hand bone bits. So I did what was right and cleaned them up myself the only way a dog can – I ate them back down again. Crunchie, crunchie. The lackey groaned a bit and I thought for a moment she was going to hack up something for me but she didn’t. Still, no harm done. I still got my breakfast and my treat and my cuddle when she left for work. She did tell me to clean up the rest of the bones on the deck but it was still half dark so I went back in the laundry instead and went to sleep.

Another dull week

Not a lot going on. We skipped our lap around the neighbourhood twice this week due to cold and wet. It’s too damn nice snuggled down in the cushions on my lounge to go flouncing around the park for ages and ages just coz the lackey wants to tire me out. Spent Saturday asleep and warm while the lackey did whatever it is she does when she says “I’m on the computer Lucy, I won’t be long”. HA! She was there all afternoon and evening and again today. But we played tug-of-wars for a while and went on a huge walk before it got way too cold to be outside and I got three lots of treats between naps – all is forgiven. So when we got back from our walk, it was telly time. I slept, the lackey laughed here and there and then the damn car noises started up and went till late. The lackey did worry me for a moment very late in the evening when she made this weird gasping strangling sort of noise that woke me up and then spent 15 minutes gabbling on the phone to Nanna about someone named Mark Webber who had something dangerous happen. But he was fine so I don’t know why the cow bothered to make all that noise and wake me.

I tried – again

During our walk tonight, we saw people in the street for the first time in ages and one of them was gorgeous! He was a lovely white and tan husky that I hadn’t seen before and his lackey. He had the lovely deep fur you just want to walk over to and roll around in until you’re all warm and his lackey was okay looking for a talking monkey. I stopped to lick noses with the father of my children – well, he would be if I hadn’t had the snip. I kept waiting for my idiot lackey to engage his lackey in conversation or at least exchange names so I could start making up names for our imaginary kids but she never did! She told ME to play nice, told ME to be good, not once did she speak directly to the other lackey. Then off we go and off they go and neither of us got any action! The least she could have done was get names. A better lackey would have talked them into escorting us home and invited them in for treats and never have let them go. Bad lackey.

How to change things from Dull to Fun

The lackey is very busy at her work and this means our nights on workdays are very dull – cuddles when she gets home, food, walk, telly, bed. This is okay, it’s a good routine that we both cope well with but it gets duller than a used chew toy that doesn’t taste good any more. So I thought I’d make things more interesting for us both over the weekend. The lackey did some cleaning so I did some digging and tracked some nice dirt back inside as soon as the vacuum was silent again. The lackey wasted some time on her computer while I had my nap. This was allowable and I didn’t bother giving her grief over it as she let me sleep and made almost no noise. The lackey fed and walked me and we sat down to watch some telly. Wrong – I had to play first. Tug-of-wars was only half hearted as the lackey sat down on the floor and watched the telly more than she watched me. She did whine a few times that she was trying to watch her show but who cares about that. Then I went outside to complain to the neighbours that they were making far too much noise and when I came back inside the lackey was knitting. Absolutely not! When she knits, the damn thing she’s been working on the whole time I’ve known her is spread out over the low table and her lap and she gets all huffy if I try and stand on her for scratches. So, in order to show her the error of her ways, I initiated a stealth attack. I waited until her attention was firmly on counting loops of wool and dived up onto the lounge and onto her leg. My aim was perfect as I scored bonus points for knocking her full glass of water onto the papers on the table and down her leg. She made this weird noise and then kept going no, no, no, no as she tried to put the needles down without unhooking the wool, not stab me, push me off her lap, stop the glass from rolling onto the floor, save the papers from the spill and pick up the water. I would have scored maximum points if she had cried but she held herself together and got the cloth to clean up the spill. I sat there looking very pleased with myself because the water had removed some ink from the papers on the low table and the lackey was worried she’d have to stop knitting to re-do her pattern. Victory! But it was very short-lived. Apparently the pattern is the same left and right so she just checked the dry side and did it backwards to make up the bits that got washed away. But I was not finished! During the night, I pretended to need to pee after every nap so I had the lackey up and down all night and she was so tired and worn out that I didn’t even get yelled at. Mind you, at deep dark she did refuse (with bad words) to get out of bed at all. Then I got her up at sunrise this morning for breakfast. See – much more interesting!

Tips for getting your lackey out of bed

As Mid-Winter approaches, the mornings are getting chilly, especially for those of us with fine pelts who don’t have the benefit of oodles of hair to fluff about in. If you are having trouble getting your lazy lackey out of bed and into the pantry to get your breakfast, here are some tips you may wish to use.
Level 1 – walk about on the top of the bed covers without being careful where you step to wake them up
Level 2 – stroll up the bed, step on the bulges under the covers and give them a great big kiss
Level 3 – sit on the pillow and clean their face
Level 4 – stay on the pillow even if they try and shove you away, also clean ears and teeth – this last one may take some twisting and timing but if you can catch your lackey with their mouth open, you are guaranteed of complete wakefulness and probably some foul language
Level 5 – when they sit up to wipe your slobber out of their mouth, take the lifting of the covers as a signal to tear down inside the covers to the bottom of the bed and begin cleaning their feet – relax, you’ve licked worse off your own paws and/or arse than you will ever find on your lackey’s feet… hopefully
Level 6 – when they sit up and pull their feet away from you, follow them up and use your neck or back to move the covers further away from them, exposing their back to the cold if at all possible – once your lackey feels the cold air, they will get up and get your breakfast just so you will leave them alone and let them go back to bed in peace
Level 7 – to really dig the claw in, while the lackey is out in the cold kitchen preparing your breakfast, you will naturally stay in bed and snuggle down into the warm covers until you hear the pantry door close and the lackey cursing under their breath
Level 8 – eat your breakfast and go out for a pee while the lackey will probably do the same although, as the lackey can pee inside and you have to go outside in the frost, as soon as you finish, race back in, dive up onto the bed, lick their face, get them to raise them arm in defence, shot in under the arm and the covers and plant all four icy paws on their torso
Level 9 – if your lackey manages to get back to sleep after all this, repeat torture levels 1 through 6 until they just plain give up and go get in the hot shower to get away from you
Congratulations – you now have a toasty warm bed all to yourself.

I want this lackey

Some girls have all the luck! Apparently, Lolita’s lackey is quite famous. My lackey likes Lolita's lackey a lot. Find out more about him – link to Gerard-Butler.net

Thin Ice can be Forgiven

The lackey is on very thin ice over her use of the computer at night when she should be worshipping the ground I walk on. I lie on my lounge and watch her, occasionally giving her the evil eye but the message didn’t seem to be getting through. Yes, it’s cold and rainy. Yes, the things on the computer seem to interest her more than dislocating her shoulder playing tug-of-wars with me. I do understand - which is why I haven’t scratched her leg or chewed the lines that hold the computer to the wall. But I expect equal time to that box of whirring metal. Last night, the lackey worked it out. We went on a big walk because it wasn’t actually raining. We had big cuddles on the lounge to warm us up after and I napped while the lackey did the computer thing. At a later bed time than normal, the lackey let me sit on her pillow and then lifted up the blankets so I could get down into the bottom of the bed and be toasty warm all night sleeping soundly against the lackey’s legs. So yes, I shall forgive her for the computer time… for now.

Inside Day

Today was an inside day – raining, cold with very patchy moments of sunshine. The lackey has spent the day at her desk ignoring me which was fine because once we played some tug-of-war, I was content to snuggle into my nest on my lounge and sleep all afternoon. We had something to eat when it started to get dark and went on our nightly walk so now we are both back at the same spots for the evening. Until it’s time to go to bed anyway.



I also got my first email! The lovely Michelle (the lackey for Hamish and Toby) finished her email with: May your dish be full of treats and your spot on the couch always just right. Awwwwwww, thank you. Hamish and Toby have a great lackey too.

Too damn cold

I’ve had to wake the lackey in the middle of the night the last two nights to complain about the lack of heat in our bedroom. Rather than turn the big heater on, she added another blanket to the bed. But did she consider me in this? I don’t think so. This morning, I couldn’t take it any more and woke the lackey, to which she complained – how the hell do you know when it’s 2am, huh? I washed her ears out to help her ability to hear my teeth chattering and she reached out to cuddle me. This was my moment! With her arm up and out, the edge of the blankets was lifted off her shoulders and I could plunge in the gap and crawl down to the bottom of the toasty warm bed and slobber on her feet. She said some bad words but when she sat up she also muttered about how cold it was so I was allowed to stay in the warm at the bottom of the bed. Just as bloody well!

I can’t find Nanna and Pop

I looked all over the house and the yard all day today and I can’t find Nanna and Pop. When the lackey got home from work I showed her my concern and frustration and she assured me that it was okay, that they had gone home. I’d lived with this lackey for 3 full moons before I got to meet her parents and now the lackey tells me they won’t be back for a while but I still can’t go in their room. Why not? They’re not using it, the door stays shut when they’re not here – that’s just wasting a perfectly good spot for me to snooze the day away. The least they could have done before they left was break the lock so I could get in any time I wanted to.

Tug of Warrrrrrrrr!

It’s been cold and raining and the lackey is ill so we haven’t been walking at night. Inadequate. So I demanded we play tug-of-war until one of us dies. Fair enough I thought. So we did. The lackey got a fresh rope out the cupboard and we went for it. I was swung around and lifted up and the lackey’s fingers got sore from trying to hang on when I twisted and it was awesome. We mussed up the covers on the lounge room carpet much to Nanna’s annoyance. We bumped into the little table and the lackey was momentarily worried about my skull until I showed her my balance was superb as usual. We bonked into the big boxes that noise comes out of when the lackey watches telly really loud, that made the lackey squeal at me to be careful but she was the one swinging me on the rope at the time… It was fun and we declared it a draw as we were both nicely puffed from the game. This is what lackey’s are for!

It’s the Lackey’s birthday

I wanted to share her day with her but the idiot talking monkey has been out all damn day – I got a brief scratch then she went out for lunch but DIDN’T bring me back any treats. Then she took Nanna and Pop out after dark and left me outside for hours and still didn't bring me back any treats. Okay, so I had my special dog door and slept nice and warm in the laundry but that’s not the point. She knows the rules – the only reason I give her permission to leave me alone is to go get me food and she DIDN’T!

The Lackey has a sore arm

The lackey disappeared for hours and came back with a bandaged arm. When the wrap came off soon after, there was this stuff drawn on her skin. I couldn’t lick it or nose it and she hissed at me when I accidentally touched it. This better calm down soon coz it’s affecting my cuddle quality. She even swapped sides on our lounge so I couldn’t lean on that arm. Selfish cow, she gets to pour gunk in my ears for weeks, makes me wear a cone over my head and I can’t even lick her arm. Toughen up Princess!

Sunday

Asleep between the lackey and Nanna

Asleep next to Pop

I have a lazy lackey

While I had that stupid plastic cone on my head, the lackey let some bloke into the house who cut a hole in our lovely blue back door and filled it back in again with this pale hard plastic swinging thing. The lackey has made it plain the last few nights that this is now my very own back door. It’s just the right size for me to walk in and out with the big blue door shut but it took me a while to get used to the feel of bashing my nose into the thing to get it to move out of the way. Nanna and Pop stayed home yesterday and I got treats every time I used it. Last night the lackey made a very nice fuss over me when she saw me walk through it. Then last night when I was out, I knew that I had three humans at my beck and call and whacked the big glass back door for one of them to get up off the lounge and let me back in. The lazy monkeys just yelled at me to use my door. What?! Then the lackey holds open the plastic swinging bit of my little door and calls me in through it. At bedtime, she didn’t come outside with me or wait at the glass back door while I did my thing, she made me use my little door. Cow. So in the silent dark this morning (the lackey whined - it’s half past friggin 2 Lucy!), I woke up the lackey and went to the glass door to go out for a pee and she made me use the little door again and went back to bed! How bloody lazy can you get?! It’s not my very own little dog door; it’s an anti-exercise device for the lackey.

I am a Lady!

We were over Dylan’s again tonight so the humans could eat, chat and watch telly. We got tiny, tiny treats from Nanna and then Dylan’s lackey very carefully gave us one biscuit each at the same time. Stupid humans. Dylan and I have bled each other and sorted ourselves out but the talking monkeys still treat us like we are extra nasty, untrained, uncouth savages. And then the bloody lackey tries to get me to pee over there. It’s cold, it’s dark, I’ve been napping in her lap on the super long lounge and she tumbles me off and coaxes me outside and then expects me to go down the big steps in the dark and pee on Dylan’s lawn. Did I mention it was cold and dark?! So I didn’t. Then the lackey started muttering at me and we all bundled in the car and went home. As soon as I got back to my yard I pissed like there was no tomorrow. Finally, the lackey worked it out because she turned to Nanna and said – see, told ya, she won’t pee anywhere but home. Well of course not – I am a Lady.

Busy busy busy

The last three days straight, I’ve got to play with Dylan each day. Well, run around him and bounce a bit while he watches with the indifference of the aged. He’s got to be at least 10 by now. After I got my cone off the other day, Nanna and Pop took me over to Dylan’s with them while the lackey went out. Don’t know where she went coz I was too busy squeezing onto Dylan’s lounge with Nanna, Pop, Dylan and his lackey to let the humans watch the telly. We went home very late and Nanna let me in on the big bed but the lackey wasn’t there! She wandered in a bit later when I was nicely asleep and made me shove over. Bad lackey. She slept very soundly and I had to wash her face to get her out of bed to get my breakfast well after sunrise yesterday. Then later, Dylan and his lackey came to my place and the humans ate together while Dylan and I were shut outside. Bad lackey. But we got treats when we got let back in so she was forgiven. Then tonight, Nanna, the lackey and me left Pop home and went to Dylan’s. Nanna and the lackey talked to Dylan’s lackey for hours while Dylan and I basically ignored them. Dylan’s steps out the back of his place are steeper and of harder stuff that the nice steps I have at home and I don’t like going down them at night so I don’t pee over Dylan’s. The lackey and Nanna noticed this and the lackey explained that I was a lady and don’t pee in front of boys. Well, I’m not and I will but only in my own backyard.

Freedom!

I’m no longer a bucket head! The lackey and I got settled on the lounge last night after our walk and she just took my cone off. Ahhhhhhh, I can scratch again. Although I didn’t need to for a bit as the lackey did it for me. Good lackey. I did get the annoying cold drops in my ear but I think they will soon end as the lackey seems to be having trouble getting them out the little pointy bottle now. Oh, and earlier in the day, Pop earned a ‘bad Poppa’. He was having some toast and if I sit at his knee I always get some. Today, he showed me what he was eating, I cried a bit to get the sympathy and the attached treat, then he laughed at me and ate the toast himself! Yes, all together now – bad Poppa. If I can get him to nap on the lounge with Nanna and the lackey not looking, the old bastard is losing a finger.

Dull dull dull

The lackey has been at work every day, she comes home, we have dinner, we go for a walk, we play tug-of-war, we sit on the lounge, we go to bed. During the day, Nanna and Pop have been going off too so my day-time snacks have dried up and the power struggles over who gets to sit on my bed aren’t happening. We went to see Dylan and his lackey the other evening but even that was pretty uneventful. The humans had dinner together, I got fed at home before we went over so Dylan and I only got treats from Nanna at his place. We ran about in the yard a bit but it was cold and Dylan is old now so he went back inside and I was bored after only a few minutes and went back in with everyone. I tried to get Dylan to play chasey in the house but he wasn’t up for it. My plastic cone is still on my head, the lackey is still putting the cold drops in my ear but it doesn’t hurt any more. The lackey did slip the cone off for our walk last night but I was too busy picking up my pee-mail to care. Oh, we did see one of those toy dogs that are the size of rats over the other side of the park but the lackey made it quite clear that I was not allowed to go over and tell the thing it wasn’t a real dog.

Good and bad

I have mentioned before my idea of balance in the world – take with one paw and give with the other – and today was a fine example of this. We slept in, had cuddles, a nice breakfast but then it got confusing and I got in trouble when Nana and Pop got to breakfast and I cried for treats. I got my rubber cone filled with peanut butter and chased it all over the kitchen but threw up coz I ate too much too quick. Nanna and Pop drove off for the day but I little later Dylan and his lackey came over to play. Dylan found one of my missing bones but then pissed on it so I couldn’t eat it. The lackey got in some reading time but then Nanna and Pop didn’t come back on time and she got a bit worried. Nanna and Pop came home happy after an unexpected meeting turned out to be very fun but the lackey was cross that Nanna had broken the rule about phone calls and lateness. The humans had a very yummy meal and the lackey was thanked and praised but Dylan and I got frigging nothing. Dylan got pats off my lackey but his lackey was too interested in her book to pat me – I complained to Dylan about this and got snarled at. Bastard. The lackey understood and stopped patting Dylan and cuddled up to me on the lounge but still didn’t give me my dinner! All the humans got to watch telly and really liked someone called The Doctor, Dylan and I got ignored for a while. Dylan and his lackey went home but I finally got my tea! The lackey was still worried about me throwing up earlier so hand fed me my dinner – okay so no bad for me in that one! I was allowed to nap on the lackey’s lap but she used my tiredness to sneak some more ear drops in. Pop had taken my collar and bucket off but the lackey made him put it back on. See - good and bad in everything.

New concept for the day – sharing

With the lackey at work, my days are dotted with weird moments with Nanna and Pop. This afternoon we had one that Nanna and Pop told the lackey about at length and the conversation allowed me to understand another weird-arse human concept. I was napping on my bed in the front room. The lackey sometimes sits with me to eat and watch the little telly when it isn’t going to be for very long. We have a bigger telly (the El Seedy) in the lounge room but it has more buttons and Nanna and Pop don’t like using it. So Nanna and Pop have been using the little telly and sitting with me from time to time. This afternoon, in the middle of my nap, they turn on the telly and Pop sits down on the other cushion. Then Nanna decides she wants to cuddle up with us. They made me move! Move! During a nap! And I was on MY bed. Outrageous! Nanna said something about learning to share but whenever the lackey talks about shares she sounds nervous and talks numbers too so I was pretty sure Nanna was using the wrong word. So I scrunched up and whined a bit at them but they’re old and didn’t understand me. When the lackey hears this story from Nanna, she defended me (twice in day, gooooood lackey) by reminding Nanna and Pop that the sofa-bed was my bed and a bloody uncomfortable lounge and they should use the El Seedy if they didn’t want to share my bed. And she said this with no numbers at all. So it was the right word, just a new meaning. But I was still in the dark until Nanna bought out the sweeties and she asked the lackey if she wanted a share. The lackey said yes please and got a piece of Nan’s cake. And there I had the concept – sharing means giving someone a part of something you have. Well bite that one and rip its guts open! No bloody way do Nan and Pop get given a piece of my bed. It’s MINE you idiot humans. How about you lot learn that concept?!

New concept for the day – privacy

This learning thing is a matter of figuring out how these idiotic human brains work – takes some time but does make life simpler later. Today I learned what the word privacy meant. I hear it from the lackey – oh for Christ sake Lucy, can’t I have some privacy – whenever I nose open the tiny smelly-room door to check on the lackey. Oh and yes, do not be alarmed when your pet human shits inside the house in a special small room – they are allowed to poo inside even though you are not because they have this special place called ‘the loo’. Some smug bastard cats can get the hang of this room and use it too. But I was outside doing my thing and was checking the high part of the yard when I found some lovely dry cat shit. Yummy. I know, I know, it sticks in your teeth and the lackey yeeeeeews at you but it is one of life’s little eating pleasures. So I was just grabbing the last bit when Pop walks around the corner and sees the poo hanging out my mouth and yells at me to put it down, that’s yucky, blah blah blah. Then he tells the lackey about it when she gets home. My darling lackey defended me (as is her duty) with “Yeah, and? She’s a Staffy! Give her a denti-stick and get over it.” I love my lackey some days. Then on our walk tonight, I found some more on the dirt track to the park and tried to grab it. The lackey gave me a stern ‘drop it’… twice, then leaned into the lead a bit to drag me onwards. This confused me coz if I eat it and the lackey doesn’t see me do it, I don’t get into trouble and… wow, that’s it, that’s the concept! Eating cat shit is like the lackey doing poos on her own – it’s a privacy thing which we don’t have to point out to each other if we don’t see it happening. Now if only she’d stop watching me poo, I’d let her eat cat shit too.

It’s a dog’s life

Ahhhh, the lackey can stay in my employ a while longer. She obviously realised her skills were falling way short and invited her very experienced lackey Pop and his alpha female down for a visit to help her cover me in attention as I deserve. Pop continues to give me treats even when the lackey tells him not to – which he is absolutely correct in doing. Nanna now lets me cuddle up and sleep on her leg and even finds me adorable – which is true. The lackey seems to have given in completely and I get to pick my spot on the big bed first these days. I even got to nap on the lounge early last night as it was raining and we couldn’t go on our lap then they all sat down to watch that deeveedee thingy Humans seem to like. It’s just noise to me. I’m not sure though if it’s solely Nanna and Pop that have brought about this new luxury or if it’s guilt over keeping this damn cone on my neck. I still can’t lick anywhere I need to and the lackey gets one of them to hold me while she shoves cold wet drops in my ear morning and night. I haven’t bitten her for that because it does actually make my head feel better. But I can’t lick myself and that’s making me sulky which makes Pop give me treats. Back to the old balance of doggy life - take with one paw give with the other.

Nanna may be onto me

We were all lounging around this afternoon. Nanna and Pop were over on their lounge, the lackey and me were on mine. I was nice and relaxed as they all watched the footy. During a drinks break, I propped myself up onto the lackey’s front legs and gave her throat a good lick. Nanna remarked – you ought to be careful of that, she could bite your jugular from there. The lackey defended my honour with – nah, she’s just marinating me. The lackey jokes with her litter mate that I get a good taste of her regularly to make sure she’ll be all yummy once she’s been dead on the floor for a few days and I’m forced to eat her. The resulting wash of my spit is referred to as marinade – whatever that is. I was very pleased that the lackey is more than happy to make provision for my feeding should she drop dead in the house with me. I was less pleased that Nanna has worked out I have a back-up plan. If the lackey really has lost her mind along with her sense of direction, then it’s simply the right thing to do to put her out of my misery.

The lackey has lost her mind - again

I still have the stupid plastic cone on my neck. We had a visit with Dylan and his lackey last night and tonight the lackey and I went on our normal walk. Thankfully, it’s dark now when the lackey gets home from work and none of my friends from the park have seen me in my unfashionable shame. But the lackey is being a spaz again. She did this once before; when I have my long lead on, she’ll forget how to follow behind me properly and the fact she’s doing it again makes me concerned for her head. I really must stop jumping on her to wake her up in the morning, the shock is obviously not good for her. Anyway, on our walk, I just get up to full towing speed and she stops dead. Huh? I look back to see what’s wrong and take a few steps towards her, I get “good girl” and we’re off again. Oooooo-kay. So I just get back up to full towing speed and she stops again. So I turn and go back to her again and off we go. She keeps this up all past the houses till we get to the skinny park near the war memorial. By this time, I’ve had just about enough of this stop-start rubbish and I’m walking closer to her so I can keep half and eye on her. And damn me but she keeps walking with no sudden stops! We get to the busy road and we walk close quarters with the lackey holding the lead shorter and she tells me “good girl” a few times. Yeah, I’m only staying close so I can keep an eye on you, you psycho bitch. Then we get to the big park and the lackey lets the lead run out longer. Right, off I go on my smelling tour of all the pee-mail spots. I try and drag the lackey over to my next sniff and she heads off in the opposite direction. Ahhh, so we’re playing this game again are we? So our lap around the park was all over the place and I missed half my pee-mail but I finally worked out that if I stay close to the lackey’s legs, she keeps moving where I want her to go and if I pull her my way, she won’t follow behind any more. Is this a revolt or madness? First the cone then the annoying ear drops and now this?! One more thing, just one more thing and the bitch is waking up minus a finger.

I’ve won over Nanna

Nanna hadn’t been giving me treats. Nanna had been saying “Lucy, no” a lot. Nanna was regularly giving the lackey advice on how to train me better. This had to stop. So I tried a few things – tripping her, sitting at her knee crying, dropping my rope on her foot. Nothing. Then I had a brilliant idea and today, I tried it out. While the lackey, Pop and Nanna were watching something they said was “the foot-ee”, I got up on the lounge between the lackey and Nanna and feigned sleep with my jaw on Nanna’s leg. Nanna stopped yelling at the footy (apparently the footy man wasn’t kicking the ball enough) and I felt her hand on my back then heard the sound that all canine masters know is the sound of a new lackey being won over – awwwwwww. When she let me stay there, I knew she was turning. When she told the lackey she didn’t want to get up to go pee in case it woke me, I knew I had won. Later, Nanna gave me a biscuit and asked the lackey if I had enough to eat. Victory is mine.

My ear hurts

The lackey took me to see Dr Stephanie again last night. The little cut I made on my right ear got sore then got swollen then got really smelly and last night, the lackey decided that I required professional attention. It was starting to make my head spin when I did my big shake so I allowed her to take me to the doctor. Dr Stephanie poked me at both ends and declared me sick. She gave the lackey two little bottles than I am sure I will learn to run away from in coming days just like I have been with the cream the lackey and Pop have been using since I came home form the holiday camp. Dr Stephanie also put this weirdo contraption around my neck attached to my collar. It’s a huge murky plastic cone that stops me looking anywhere but straight ahead and worst of all, I can’t get my feet in my ears or mouth anymore! And this morning I found out what those two plastic bottles were for. The cream was bad enough going on the outside of my ear but the bottles get drops INTO my ear. It’s cold and it feels icky and I don’t like it. There better be a damn good reason to do all this to me or I’m going to eat the lackey in her sleep.

Two lackeys are lovely – most of the time

I am finally getting the spoiling I deserve. Pop gives me treats and the lackey does everything else. I didn’t even need to eat all my breakfast today coz as soon as anyone eats anything, I get some. The lackey doesn’t seem to appreciate Pop doing this but I sure do! It’s so nice having them both here all day. No matter what time I take a nap or which room I go into, there’s a scratch and a treat waiting for me. Ahh, this is much more like it. The only problem is that my last manicure was a while ago and I’ve managed to scratch my ear and now it hurts. The lackey and Pop are putting this foul cream on me and I try to get away from them and scrape it off but this is the one down-side to two lackeys in the home – one of them is always watching me with cream in hand.

I’ve been away

Last Thursday with no ceremony, the lackey and Pop took me to a holiday camp. There were plenty of other dogs there and all of them in fine voice. The lackey took me into a small brick room and the nice man in the tough trousers bought me a hessian bed and the loveliest blue soft fluffy blankie. Then the lackey left. I ate well, loved everyone who fed me, slept late and even managed to loose a little weight before Pop came and got me and took me home. The lackey was no-where to be seen and the house smelled like she hadn’t been there for days. The cow – she’d dumped me into fat camp and then left the state! She came back tonight very tired and very happy and talked and talked about sweet guys and gracious actors she had met over the days we had been apart. Her litter-mate seemed to be the same when we all had dinner together at Dylan’s house. The lackey seemed to have missed me.

Finally – an experienced Lackey

I knew my lackey had potential as one of the best but I am now even more certain of this after seeing the stock she comes from. Pop is a very experienced Lackey and must have been doing this for years as I have been able to control him very quickly. I now get titbits from him every time he eats and more scratches and good-girls than I can use. I didn’t need to eat most of my breakfast again this morning as Pop had toast and scones for me. Wasn’t that fond of the mushy thing he gave me that he said was “baa-narna”. I thought from the name it would taste vaguely sheep-like. It didn’t. Nanna has now confiscated my mat from the hallway and put it outside in the sun. This wouldn’t be so bad if she put it somewhere I could sun-bake on it but no, it’s hanging up on the line where I can’t reach it. And she didn’t even wash it. Very weird behaviour for an ex-lackey. But my lackey is still doing her best to keep up with me. Our tow around the neighbourhood last night was a bit of a trial as I was in a hurry to get back to Pop and some more treats and the lackey couldn’t keep up. I had to stop and jump up and check on her at one spot coz she was falling behind and whilst I am very strong, dragging the lackey up the hill by the trees was a bit much even for me. So we both slept in till after sunrise this morning.

Nanna and Pop are here!

The lackey’s mum and dad are here. They live a long way away but have turned up in their huge car to sleep in the one room in the house I am not allowed to sleep in. At least now, I know what that room is for. Pop is cool – he gives me toast crust and plays tug-of-wars with me – although I do have to rein myself in and not pull too hard coz he’s not quite as strong as the lackey. Not yet anyway and I have already begun his training. Nanna is the delicate one. I can’t jump up on Nanna or stand up on her legs are use her arm as a ladder. She’s the harder nut to crack when it comes to treats and she doesn’t like me yelling at the neighbours either. But she’s cool coz we have the same afternoon nap times. The lackey has also stayed home for most of the day. More than normal anyway and something special has happened because when I jumped on her head this morning to wake her up, I was told very firmly – I’m on holidays Lucy, I’m allowed to sleep in. Oh, okay but you do know the sun is up and I haven’t been fed – right? It took me another long while of jumping and poking and face cleaning before the lackey did her usual routine of growling at me and getting up. I was so excited about getting crusts from Pop that I forgot to eat my breakfast. When the lackey saw this, she grumbled something about staying in bed next time. No, I don’t think so.

I tried – again

We went on our normal lap around the houses and the park and this takes us down the big road with the funny little house on it. As we got closer, the lackey noticed the people in the tiny house about the same time I started towing her that way. “Yes, I see the people at the bus stop too” the lackey told me. Oh good because sometimes you seems pretty blind to me. So I went up to them to say hello. The lackey seemed a bit unsure about this and made sure I was between her and the new people. Chicken hearted monkey. So I’m getting compliments and scratches from the two males – they smelled like poo and something bitter and one of them had no fur on his head at all but had bits of metal sticking out all over the place – and the lackey nervously agrees with the one with the box of bottles that yes, I am an English Staffordshire Terrier. Smart lad! Then the furless, metal faced one says he’s got a Staffy too so I give me my best smile and a tail wag. Smart lad! Then I get bored and hop down from the bench where I had stood on my hind legs to get the scratches and as we leave, the one who was leaning on the box wished us a pleasant evening. I was very happy to meet two such social humans. Once we were out of human hearing range, the lackey whispered to me – thanks, Luce, can you find ones with IQs over 80 next time? I have no idea what that is so I will ignore the request utterly. I had three pee-mails at the park and as we turned around and headed home, the two humans were walking south and drinking from their box of bottles and gave us a nice cheery wave. I thought they were nice lads even if the lackey was muttering under her breath about ‘boguns’.

Victory is mine!

The Lackey has given up trying to get me to sleep in the hallway on my mat. And the tool for my successful move to the big bed? Sleep deprivation. As I have all day to sleep under the ash tree, I figured why not do all the hard work at night? So I kept up the crying and the scratching and the woofing and banging about the house whenever the lackey said “Lucy, on your mat”. This kept the lackey awake and when she got up to check that me and the house were still in one piece, I’d get in on the bed while she was zombie-walking the house and she was too tired to carry me out the room and then I would let her sleep soundly and snugly. The lackey only needed a week of so of this before her tiny monkey brain worked out that if she let me sleep on the big bad straight away, she got more sleep and I was quiet as a mouse. Except when I wake up and bounce the bed a few times to remind the lackey how good she’s got it by having me around. As the nights get colder and longer, I find I need a warm spot for my back for me to be comfortable – the backs of the lackey’s legs fit nicely. We sleep butt to butt with my head on her lower leg. If she dares move enough to wake me, I walk up the bed on her body, stepping where I know the soft spots are and drop onto her chest and yawn very wide with our jaws a paw width apart. Apparently waking up in the pre-dawn light to a mouthful of teeth helps your lackey keep track of what’s important.

Picture Day

what's that you have there?

do I really have to stand for this?

aren't I gorgeous?!

how many more of these are we going to do?

no more, you paparazzi scum!

Stupid talking monkey.

The lackey went off today for some alone time. When she got home, I made sure to great her like there was no tomorrow and behave myself all through dinner and then go mental to convince her we needed the longest walk ever. She seemed annoyed by this and bundled me into the car. Cool – I got to go for a ride! We ended up at Dylan’s house and we played and practiced our fighting cues while the lackey’s talked and slacked off. They also seemed to have their own special bag of treats that Dylan and I were forbidden to touch. Two stupid talking monkeys.

TV is boring

Dylan and his lackey came over today and we played chasey and let the humans eat and watch the noise box for a while. Bit miffed that we didn’t get that many treats – it seems the lackeys don’t like feeding us near each other. And quite right too – as one of us is in the other’s territory, it gets confusing as to which one of us gets to eat first. Dylan showed me a great trick for keeping the lackey still and quiet that I had tried before but he’s the master of it – his way also gets the bonus of better furniture cushions. Here’s how… Wait for the lackey to get comfortable on the nice lounge, sit at their feet with the classic “I’m cute and you need to cuddle me” look. When the lackey sees this and smiles and goes to look away, drop while maintaining eye contact. The lackey will likely bend down to check on you for dropping without command. If they don’t, keep trying until they do. As they lean down, jump up quickly and lick their face while wagging your tail like a super treat is on offer. They should be amused by this. If not, trade them in for a new lackey. As they straighten up, hop up and lie down beside their leg with your chin on their knee. Maintaining eye contact and the cuddle-me look are vital. You know you have won if the lackey scratches your head and rests their arm along your back. Once in this position, you can safely nap until the lackey announces –Lucy, move, I gotta change the deeveedee. A deeveedee is a shiny, brittle toy that cannot be chewed but can keep lackeys out of your way for ages.

Time is an illusion

For the last little while, I’ve looked at the sky when the lackey puts me outside and heads off for the day. She acts like it’s a routine and it’s the same every morning – time to get up, breakfast time, time to go. But I’ve noticed that the night is still happening more and more when she does this. Yesterday we were out before the birds were awake. Today, she wanted to leave and the sky was still dark. I got my breakfast while she packed for her day away and I popped outside to pee and check the sky. It was dark with just the tiniest bit of light. I zoomed straight back inside and parked myself on my day bed and ignored the lackey. I normally go to the kitchen and sit at the food cupboard to remind the lackey to give me a treat before she goes but it was too early. I thought that keeping her up half the night by crying at her door till I got let in would have meant we could start later but no – it felt like we started earlier coz it was STILL DARK! The lackey packed her bag and put her shoes on and I heard her pop the top of the cream she puts on my belly – the cold, cold cream on my delicate warm bare skin. I stayed on the day bed. She called me all nice and sweet like I was being good – I was not fooled and didn’t move. She tried again. Nope. Once more with a bit of growl behind it. Nope. Another ‘time to go’ but as an order. Nope. I had won! She came up to me and gave me a scratch and muttered something about me not winning this one and gave me a bit of my morning treat. I sat up to eat like a lady and she lunged and rubbed the bloody cream on my belly while I was all exposed. The total cow. I then got another bit of my treat and the lackey bodily lifted me and carried me out to the back deck. The nerve of it! And she had kicked the inside door shut as we went past so I couldn’t get back inside while she did the button thing on the wall and locked the big door. I then got the last bit of my morning treat and a stern reminder not to make things harder than they need to be. What?! When did the lackey decide my morning start time? I know what this is – it’s payback for the arguing at bed time. Fine, I get that but with my best crying puppy face, I ask you – why are we out of bed before the sun is up?

Full moon

Ahhhh, this is my favourite time of the month. Three glorious nights when I can let my inner wolf out and we can stay up all night, barking, chasing mice and keeping the neighbour’s cats out the yard. The light last night was gorgeous. It was a little wet during the day and I’d spent the afternoon playing tug-of-war with the lackey. She wanted to watch some noisy crap on the tv and I wanted to use her grip on the handle of the rope to dislocate her shoulders. We compromised – she sat on the floor and split her attention just enough to make me decide she could keep her arms. So she thought I’d be tired because she was. The lackey is an idiot. She goes to the big bed at about the normal time but the moon was up and the backyard was filled with dappled light and looked like a faerie playground. Mind you, the little pests know to stay out of my way or they lose a wing. The big ones with long hair and carrying swords, I let the lackey deal with. So I wanted to stay out in this wonderful place and the lackey wanted to sleep. We argued, she gave up and went to bed and left the door open for me. She was muttering quite a bit by this time - tough. So I stayed out and had a romp and a bark and every now and again, I get a sleepy “cut it out” from inside that I would promptly ignore. But I knew playtime was finally over when the lackey came out onto the deck and issued the order – inside, now. Ah, that‘s the big one that says the lackey is about to do something I won’t like, so in I trotted straight to the closed bedroom door. Closed?! She calls me inside, stopping my fun and then expects me to sleep on my mat?! Right – that means war. Sit on the mat Lucy, don’t charge the door when I open it Lucy, night-night Lucy. Wait for it, wait for it… The lackey has gone quiet, the night is still and clear, wait for it… Big-dog voice – let me in! The lackey yelled a bad word at me. But hey, whatever works, right? And don’t go thinking that the lackey got away with this – I made very sure that as soon as she started dreaming, I bounced or snuffled or scratched enough to wake her back up. Sometimes you have to remind your lackey which one of you is the bitch.

cleaning up

On the days when the lackey doesn’t dive out of bed when the radio comes on, she spends some time with me and then tidies our home. It is her job after all but today I got the chance to help. The other day, the lackey came home with a lunchbox that was not empty. Usually, the lunchbox goes on the bench but this time it went in the fridge. This means there is something very interesting in the lunchbox that I should know about because I’m used to hearing “so, Lucy, what’s in the fridge today?” and the answer should be “my dinner”. We went for our lap around he houses and the lunchbox stayed in the fridge – three nights running. Then today, the lackey started cleaning and washing and whatever else it is she does when I nap. When I came back inside to check on her progress, the lunchbox was on the tv room table, lid still on. It stayed there while the lackey did something in the laundry and when she came back, she had a drink and a treat for me and opened the lunchbox and it smelled very, very yummy. The lackey ate some, gave me my treat and then put the lunchbox in the back corner of the lounge with the little table blocking it and went back to the laundry. She thought the lunchbox was safe. The lackey is an idiot. I got up on my lounge, walked to the end, jumped over onto her lounge, walked to the end and reached the lunchbox. It was awesome. I ate the entire contents including the rather tasteless skin on the peanut butter goodness and the leftover skins from what the lackey had already eaten. Then because it was cleaning day, I did my bit and licked the lunchbox clean then jumped back onto my own lounge. That’s about when the lackey came back, looked at me funny and said “why can I smell peanut butter?”, then she saw the lunchbox and I got another funny look “oh, Lucy, you didn’t eat the cupcakes paper and all?” Well, yeah, you stupid talking monkey, that’s what you get for leaving food lying around where a beautiful and clever dog can find a way to get to it.

Takeover - plan B

I think the lackey is trying to fight back with the takeover of the big bed. Apart from the fact that she’s still doing to the weird-arse thing with the lead when we go to the park, she’s now banned me from the bed of an evening. Outrageous. It’s back to the mat in the hallway for me – I don’t bloody well think so. But plan B didn’t work very well last night. She kept the door firmly shut and at lights out, I was told to get on my mat. I got close and apparently that was good enough and I expected to be let in for my obedience. No – the lackey turned the last light off and squeezed in the bedroom door and I had no chance to follow because the selfish cow shut the door in my face. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Once my astonishment faded, I gave it my big-dog voice and yelled at her. I got a big NO back through the still closed door. Gave it a bit of time until sounds ceased from inside, then did the ‘something’s outside’ bark and gave the door a swipe. This got the lackey out of her room but she shut the door quickly, checked the house, told me to get back on the mat and did the squeeze thing and shut me out again. Damn it. Gave it some time, listened at the door to make sure the lackey was breathing soft and steady then I went to the back door, knocked to get out and started crying. I got a big NO back through the still closed door. Sigh. Three tries was all I had in me coz I was starting to get sleepy, so I went to my mat and had a nap. After nap time, I tried the crying and scratching the bedroom door trick and THAT worked. Mind you, I think that I had swapped the lackey for a zombie by that point. To show her my displeasure at having to try so many times before I got onto the bed, I slept right against her hip with my arse under her shoulder. Hope I farted in my sleep.

The Lackey has lost her mind.

It’s sad but sometimes it happens. When we left home for our walk last night we didn’t go up the hill around the houses, we went straight to the park and we’ve never done that before. On the way down, I could smell the treats that the lackey had in her pocket and she’s never stolen my treats before. Then when we got there, she couldn’t walk in a straight line. Weird. I’d trot off like I always do to get the lead at full stretch so I can tow her along and she didn’t move – the third new thing in ten minutes. Right, something was definitely up. So I tried again – walk straight out, get the lead tight and pull. The idiot walked the wrong way! She turned tail and dragged me behind her. Unacceptable! I had to get back in front so I tootled over and got far enough out to start pulling on the lead and she did it again – just changed direction and dragged me back. So I got back slightly in front again and we walked in a straight line for a bit and when I looked up to see if she was foaming at the mouth, I got the sit command (which I obeyed because you don’t anger crazy people) and I got one of the treats. WTF?! We did this a few times until I figured it was easier to play along with her delusion because it got me more treats. It worked. Every time I walked straight without towing the lackey, I got a treat. And damn me if it didn’t make me want to stop pulling on the lead. Who’d have thought? Still it was fun trying to get the lackey dizzy by yanking the lead and making her turn around. When we got home, I was so concerned for her mental state that I sat next to her with one paw on her leg just to keep her calm and still.

glorious

Some time ago, the lackey gave me a mat to sleep on. I disembowelled it instead. The lazy lackey has finally removed her opposable thumbs from her butt and found the pictures to add.


Not my best angle

Attack from the side gives a nice profile shot of my pelt markings

Wait a minute... these entrails aren't that tasty

But I shall continue as instinct demands

Grrrrrr


Ahhh, nothing is as sweet as being shoulder deep in the belly of your enemy

Bite their bum, bite their bum



My work here is finished

Hehe heh heh he he he

takeover attempt stalled

The idea was to take over sole use of the big bed. I planned to go about this by several steps -

1. be sweet and adorable and get into the room before the lackey goes to bed
2. be asleep right in the middle of the bed to make the lackey sleep crooked
3. wake the lackey up at regular intervals during the night to get her tired and grumpy
4. wear the lackey down so that the next time she walks in her room, sees me in the middle of the bed asleep she just gives up and goes to sleep in the other room on the lounge

I over-played it. The lackey countered with meaty treats, a nice long walk and a serious game of tug-of-war that plain tuckered me out. Then while I was asleep on my mat, she went to bed. Rats.

Still, the meaty treats were fabulous. I got a kidney, an actual sheep kidney and a chunk of tendon with flesh hanging off it. Drool was the only response. Well, that and burying the chunk till it smells better. I trotted back in with my nose covered in dirt, proud as punch and what does the lackey do? Wipes it off. Or tries to, the belly dancing exercises came in handy to squirm out of her grip. But then we got into the tug-of-war thing and well, a good night's sleep for us both. I said thank you this morning by licking her pillow clean while she was in the shower.

I tried

I tried, I really did. Some days my lackey seems a little lack-lustre so I thought I’d help her get out and meet people. Every other lackey I see, I drag her over and she says hello while I get a good sniff – yesterday we met Alexi, Ebony and Mitchell and their lackeys whose names were not exchanged. Tonight, as we went through the park, I noticed a male lackey without a canine sitting on the grass fixing his shoes and plugging cords into his ears. As we got nearer, the lackey veered away but he looked fit and healthy, so I tried to drag her closer. I almost made it, I almost reached him but the lackey put on a final surge of strength and pulled me up short. When I gave up and trotted back out in front of her, I got a “good girl”. Huh? Was I good because I didn’t get to lick the male lackey’s lower back? Was I good because I took strain off the lead and the lackey’s shoulder by coming back closer to her legs? Idiot human, he smelled quite nice in an athletic way. She could have at least said hello while I got to lick his leg. She could have let me get that much of a taste.