I Found the End of the Lackey’s Rope

I knew from day one that the lackey was a push-over… or pull over or trip over. She’s got very little natural aggression and if there’s any growling between her and Dylan’s lackey, my lackey is the first one to back down. But every one has a rope and all ropes have an end somewhere – and I found the lackey’s first thing Sunday morning. I had spent all day Saturday at Dylan’s place. We had played chase for a bit then napped for a bit then had treats then napped some more. I barely noticed the lackey wasn’t there until tea time when I was ready for my next batch of crunchy munchies. Dylan’s lackey is a bit slacker when it comes to snapping to her doggy orders and we had small words but otherwise fine, then Dylan and I napped after that. Then I heard the unmistakable rhythm of the lackey’s car in the drive. I went ape-shit. I was SO happy to see my very own slave back in the house. The two lackey’s chatted for a bit – apparently the lackey had been somewhere and done something new and interesting but like I cared about that. We went home and straight to bed as the lackey was very tired. I woke her a few times during the dark just to make sure she was still there and remembered me. She did. At first light Sunday morning, I was so worried about being left with Dylan again for the day that I didn’t want to leave the lackey’s sight so when nature called, I answered – on the lackey’s bedroom carpet. She had woken up when I got off the bed and was suspicious straight away (there had been another peeing incident earlier in the week that now means that the lounge door is closed all the time whenever we are NOT watching telly). The lackey got out of bed and sniffed – Lucy, have you done something? She turned the light on and I knew I’d been caught red-bottomed. And here we are – right smack bang at the end of the lackey’s rope. She lost it. I knew I was in trouble as soon as she looked at me, so I gave her big puppy face but she didn’t buy it one bit. I was dragged off the end of the bed and my chin was shoved into the piss patch and a very loud, growling – did you do this? What could I do? I gave her more puppy soft eyes and dropped my shoulders in submission. She didn’t buy that either. I got half serve breakfast dumped into my bowl then me and the bowl were dumped into the laundry and the door was very, VERY firmly shut behind me. Sigh. I acknowledge it was my own stupid fault. The doggy door was open, I could have trotted outside, peed and got back inside without the lackey knowing if I had been soft and quiet about it. But I didn’t, I took the quick fix and it backfired spectacularly. So now I have a long road back to the other end of the lackey’s rope which I started last night by obeying the “Lucy, out for pee” command immediately. Really, a lady of my years should not have to be reminded when and where to piss.

Boys, bones and bed

Had a nice surprise during the week – I got my first crush. Sure, I’d barked at boy dogs on the telly before and the lackey tells me they’re not real as though I don’t have the nose to work that out for myself - idiot monkey. The other night was different. We were sharing the lounge in the front room just after dinner and it was cold and raining so there was no lap around the park to rush off and do, so we sat there and watched telly. The lackey operates it, as is her menial duty, and we end up on the most gorgeous Shepherd you’ve ever seen. He was a vision. He was jumping around, chewing on a squeaker and I just froze. I was enraptured, sitting there with my ears all propped up and my head just tilted over a bit to watch him better and I just had to yip and talk back to him. The lackey burst out laughing and asked me the dumbest question ever – Do you like him, Lucy? Well, gee, let me think. Actually, no, wait a minute, just let me sit here and watch him drop the squeaker and – the talent of this just blew my mind – he picked up a little watering can and watered the office plant! Shit, really? Is that what you’re meant to do to pot plants? I thought they were just emergency toys to be broken in case of boredom. We watched for a bit and then the lackey, in her most stupid upright-monkey voice started singing – Lucy likes Rex, Lucy likes Rex. I immediately had to shove my tongue into her face to get her to shut the hell up… but at least I now know his name.

Then the next day, I completely forgot him as the bones that the lackey had tipped onto the deck earlier in the week were finally rancid enough to eat and I spent the day dragging them about the yard and chomping them into sharp pieces. The sharpest ones, I scattered about the courtyard between the house and the carport because I’m laying traps for the stupid cat from across the road that keeps coming onto the front deck that I CAN’T GET TO! I must lure it over the fence, I must lure it over the fence.

Then the day we normally play – let’s see how many times Lucy stands on the lackey’s head before she gets out of bed – the game ended early when the lackey fled the house for the day. Apparently, spending her day eating and laughing with her friends is a better way to spend her time that getting a sore arm rubbing my belly too much. Erm, okay, I suppose she can have one day to herself. Mind you, when she got home, I demanded double treats and she did end up getting a sore arm from me making her reach to scratch my belly. Here’s the trick for those times when you want a scratch and to punish your lackey at the same time. Whine until they get the message and give you a rub. Do not lay down and make it easy for them. Stand up next to them on the bed and slowly lean further away from their shoulder to make them reach just that little more, little more, little more until some time later they realise that their back and shoulder hurt and they pull back into a more comfortable spot. Repeat. If it gets late and the lackey is reading a good book and not paying the action any attention, you can get them to hurt themselves. Ha hah ah ha ha - stupid human. Spent Sunday morning trying to trip the lackey up as she did housework, the afternoon napping on the big bed and the evening annoying the piss out of the lackey by interrupting her computer time then her reading time as much as I could be bothered to. A good week all in all.

It’s hard to teach an old lackey new tricks

We’ve been trying a few things to try and communicate better but it’s not working as good as I hoped it might. For example – when I wake the lackey up by nosing the back of her neck, we both know that means that I need her to lift the covers of the bed and let me crawl down to sleep in the warm corner behind her bent knees. Once I had this working well, I tried a new signal as I refuse to sully my mouth with her stupid language. So when I wake her up by washing her face, her ears, her neck, I’m telling her to get her lazy arse out of bed and feed me. The lackey does not understand the urgency of the request and I have to repeat the action several times some minutes apart before it sinks into her sleep addled monkey brain that I want food. I have also begun trying to command her to get out of bed when her noise machine turns itself on in the mornings by standing over her head hopefully pulling her hair in the process. Now the lackey misunderstands this one completely as every time I try it, she rolls over super quick and pins me down to the pillow like she’s trying so hard to be the alpha dog or something. Stupid monkey – she doesn’t have the right teeth for a start. Anyway, we’re going to have to work on that one. She does seem to understand my requests for walks though – I just dance and tear around the house till she picks up my harness and then I race her to the side gate. Only took me a few times to do that before she worked it out. Humans – their ability to learn seems strangely hit and miss.

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