Tuesday, February 8, 2011
But hang on, if that was true… how come the lackey still fed me at the right times, gave me treats when I asked, chatted to me on our walks, scratched me when I needed it, cuddled me when she’d get home after being at work all day, all of that was still working. Then I worked it out. It wasn’t that our connection to each other was less, it was that other stuff was drowning it out. Like when you think you hear the dog down the corner barking but you can’t be sure because the telly is on and the lackey doesn’t seem to hear it and you have to go outside to get a clear sound – it was like that. I was barking in the back of her brain but all the other stuff going on in her head had covered it up.
Once I worked that out, I took pity on the poor talking monkey and let her sleep through a few nights. I kept my bouncing down and my small dark hours bark-fests to the nights when she’d been home all day and let her get some rest for the days when she goes to work. It was like magic! All of a sudden we’re back in step. I’ve even managed to sniff out the bag of bones she brought home the other day hidden in the think bag and I haven’t had one of them for ages. She still loves me!
So things are heading back to normal for us. The shattering of our routine when Nanna and Pop were here is almost fixed. But their room hasn’t been cleaned up yet – actually not much has been cleaned up in ages so there’s no icky cleaner smells stinking up the place and I can breathe inside the house again. Although she stills sprays our bedroom morning and night no matter how tired she is.
The lackey has been busier that a sheep dog with a flock that’s been left in the hills for a bit too long and she has to yard them all on her own! I was beginning to think that she’d just give up sleeping altogether so she could keep up with stuff but this weekend, we spent the whole time (when not going for walks) in our room with me sprawled all over the big bed and the lackey within paw’s reach at her desk all all all weekend. It was brilliant. And she got me my favourite treats again so all is right again with our little world.
And really, that’s all that matters.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Yesterday, I thought I had the freedom to go over and visit the yummy, err, nice cats across the road. I was wrong in this as well as I quickly found a huge except clause. The lackey and Nanna were hosing down the plants in the front garden and the lackey had not quite closed the outer gate due to the hose running out of it. Nanna was changing spray thingies and doing stuff next to the fence and I sat and watched. And waited. Watched and waited. Then Nanna decided to go out to check on the lackey and she thought I was far enough away that she could open the gate wide and take her time getting through it. HA! Wrong! I was out and into the road before they knew what hit them. They both shouted at me but I didn’t care, there were cats to be found. I made it over into the yard which had quite conveniently left both big roller gates all the way open and I could bolt in past their cars and into the cat playground. Where were they? I could hear the lackey pounding closer and her tone was not very nice at all so I ignored her completely. I got past the bird cage, past the little pond and around the side of the house and the lackey thought she had me cornered in a one way out garden path. The neighbour lady chatted to the lackey and while her attention was diverted I shot past her and into their backyard proper. Where were they? The neighbour lady and the lackey then teamed up to corner me and I could tell the cats were off somewhere else so I plopped down on the grass and waited for the hand on my collar to drag me home. The neighbour lady was not upset with me – I guess because her cats were not home. The lackey was boiling mad at this point and I had just started telling her off for not letting me wander free in the street when Nanna swooped in and picked me up. Picked. Me. Up. Now how was I meant to argue with that? She’s old, my toenails are nice and strong, I would have hurt her, so I licked her face like it was all a big joke and let her take me home.
To say that the lackey was mad would be like saying cats are only mildly irritating. I tried to read her mind but it was in a mess trying to decide whether to yell at me or at Nanna or just cry or cuddle me because I was safe. I was all prepared to wash her face if she picked the last one when she tromped inside, told Pop to take me for a walk and poured a drink of that fizzy stuff she likes.
So then I want for a half walk with Pop. He’s slower than the lackey and we don’t go as far but I’m sort of free for a little bit and he lets me pick where we go instead of the lackey’s way of making me walk like a lady and play nice.
So freedom is a flighty thing. You can have it for minutes or moments or hours. It all depends on whether or not what you need to be free fits inside the limits that are placed around you.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It all started two full moons ago when Pop had to go to the vet. No sooner had my lackey and Dylan’s lackey discussed this at length that the lackey and I head over there one sunny afternoon for a play date with Dylan. I did notice that Dylan’s lackey picked us up in her car and that the lackey had a much larger than normal treat bag with her but hey, that’s a good thing – or so I thought. Anyway, Dylan and I got to go mental in the backyard for a bit as both lackeys got in the car and headed off but only Dylan’s lackey came home! I’d been dumped! Bad lackey.
I stayed with Dylan and his lackey for a whole week – a week of no sleeping on the bed, a week of being demoted to beta, maybe lower some days if Dylan’s lackey was grumpy. Fewer treats, less kisses and cuddles. I was neglected I tell you! But gee we had fun when Dylan’s lackey went to work. The barking, the digging, the chasing – marvellous. I did get to listen to the lackey on that human phone thing – Dylan’s lackey called me over and I could hear my lackey far away and couldn’t scent her at all but at least I knew she missed me. A lot.
And then my lackey came home! I was so excited I may have peed myself just a little bit. My tail was wagging so hard I could barely stand and she gave me the bestest biggest cuddle and scratch and belly rub combination ever. We went home and I was alpha again! Treats, cuddles, the big bed, it was all back to normal. The lackey was okay too because Pop had come home from the vets all fixed up but she checked with Nanna every day for a while just to be sure. She didn’t even get to stay home with me for a few days, it was straight back to work for her so I missed out on two weekends in a row having my lackey to myself. Bugger it.
So I thought that her brain would calm down and I could take over again. Wrong. Her brain went even more messy as things at work are apparently hugely busy. This has continued now for weeks and the lackey has come home many nights upset and tired or both and some nights when we go for a walk, she is so snarly over work things, she walks so fast that I don’t need to pull on the harness to speed her up! Some nights I even walk beside her for a while as I’ve already had my fast bit trying to stay ahead of her. This is a good thing for both of us and we have bonded even closer. I don’t panic when she gets home any more as I know absolutely that I will get my big cuddle and my treat after we get inside and the lackey puts her shoulder bag down. I don’t beg for half of her dinner anymore as I know for a rock hard certainty that I will get the scraps after she’s done and my biscuits will always be there waiting for me. All we need to work on now is sharing the big bed. I still want my side and she still seems to think it’s her bed. I’ll keep kicking her and standing on her and licking her face in the wee dark until she realises that she’ll get more sleep if she goes out and uses the lounge. Or the laundry pile. I can vouch from experience that the spare doona on the bedroom floor is also quite comfy to sleep on. She should try it…
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Battle 1 – the lackey. Lay in wait, let them think you’re being good. Let them do whatever it is that is taking their attention away from you. Let them finish whatever it is and get ready for bed. Pretend to be asleep when they tell you it’s time to go out for a pee. Let them try and get into bed with you solidly unmoving smack bang in the middle of the fluffy covers. Let them start to fall asleep balanced right on the edge of the mattress… and then bounce up to make a big fuss about going out for a pee so that you drag them outside. You don’t need them for anything, you just them to get out of bed and get cold. This also means you have already won and can move on to the next battle.
Battle 2 – the cat. Sometimes cats play a game of chicken. They sit on the corner in their little gangs and hatch plans. Vast, daring, extreme sport type plans that involve high speed and a dog in the dog’s own backyard. This must be stopped at all costs. The most brave (or perhaps most stupid) of cats lives across the road from the blue house. It naps on the front deck where it knows I can’t reach it and then taunts me from the railing. Last night, it tried for the gold medal in the X Games by trying to run through MY yard while I had nice smelly bones to chomp on after the lackey had tried three times to go to bed and my barking had her running out in her jammies to shut me up. Not so extreme you might say, a cat is fast after all and I did have a full belly. Ah yes, I say, but you didn’t hear the stupid bloody bell around it’s suicidal neck. I did. Several times we raced over to the back fence and back at full tilt with that silly tinkling followed by my big girl bark and the lackey hissing – Lucy, shut up and get inside! No. Not while there’s a game of eat-the-cat to be played out. I lost the damn thing in the trees and the dark and went back to my bones and once she saw I was comfortably crunching on them sitting in the courtyard, she went back to bed. Again. This was a ruse to get rid of the lackey and go back to chasing the cat and barking. Apparently, the lackey doesn’t like barking after bedtime. Who knew. I soon worked out that the suicidal cat was trying for my bones. Not. Going. To happen. So I buried them. Once all of them were safely hidden away, the cat got bored and went home so I went into bed. Cat nil, Lucy 4.
Battle 1 part 2 – after burying your bones, do not rub your nose and paws clean in the grass, do it on the doggy cover on the big bed. The lackey was furious and wide awake in the small dark, I was triumphant and happy.
Now all that was left to do was to turn in circles the required three times widdershins and go to sleep to the victory lullaby of the lackey calling me an inconsiderate cow. And I did let the I’ve-been-evil snuffle rise as I nodded off.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Then the next day, I completely forgot him as the bones that the lackey had tipped onto the deck earlier in the week were finally rancid enough to eat and I spent the day dragging them about the yard and chomping them into sharp pieces. The sharpest ones, I scattered about the courtyard between the house and the carport because I’m laying traps for the stupid cat from across the road that keeps coming onto the front deck that I CAN’T GET TO! I must lure it over the fence, I must lure it over the fence.
Then the day we normally play – let’s see how many times Lucy stands on the lackey’s head before she gets out of bed – the game ended early when the lackey fled the house for the day. Apparently, spending her day eating and laughing with her friends is a better way to spend her time that getting a sore arm rubbing my belly too much. Erm, okay, I suppose she can have one day to herself. Mind you, when she got home, I demanded double treats and she did end up getting a sore arm from me making her reach to scratch my belly. Here’s the trick for those times when you want a scratch and to punish your lackey at the same time. Whine until they get the message and give you a rub. Do not lay down and make it easy for them. Stand up next to them on the bed and slowly lean further away from their shoulder to make them reach just that little more, little more, little more until some time later they realise that their back and shoulder hurt and they pull back into a more comfortable spot. Repeat. If it gets late and the lackey is reading a good book and not paying the action any attention, you can get them to hurt themselves. Ha hah ah ha ha - stupid human. Spent Sunday morning trying to trip the lackey up as she did housework, the afternoon napping on the big bed and the evening annoying the piss out of the lackey by interrupting her computer time then her reading time as much as I could be bothered to. A good week all in all.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
· Why is eating a rotting bone on the deck good and eating it on the big bed bad?
· Why is standing on the lackey’s lap good and standing on her head bad?
· Why am I not allowed to chase cats when the lackey doesn’t even like them?
· Why am I allowed to mess up the cushions on the lounge in the front room but get growled at when I mess up the cushions on the lounge in the tv room?
· Why is barking in the yard at strangers in the street good and barking in the lackey’s ear at 2am to tell her I’m awake bad?
· Why is licking the lackey’s face when she gets home from work good and licking the lackey’s face at 2am bad?
· Why is playing tug of war with the short twisted rope in the backyard good and playing tug of war with my harness lead out on our walk bad?
· Why am I only allowed to lick my bum when no-one is watching?
· If scratching feels so good, why does the lackey stop me doing it when I’m leaning against her back at 4am?
· Why does the lackey reward me for walking close when I’m on the harness lead and then growl about it when I do it in the kitchen?
· Why teach me to use the doggy door in the laundry and then complain when I use it between naps at night? Or is she really complaining about me coming back to bed with cold paws? Well then why can she cuddle me to get warm and I can’t plant my paws in her back to do the same thing?
· Why teach me to shake hands for treats and then yell at me for pawing her when I want treats?
· Why is all my fur on me cuddly and good and one single white hair in her clothes bad?
· Why does she get to scratch my tummy when I can’t scratch hers? Okay, so that one I’m okay with coz I can take as much as I can get but she still gets all snotty when I scratch at her. Just because my claws are perfect and hers are weak and soft. Oh, that must be it – she’s jealous of my nails.
· The one thing I do understand – humans are weird things that arbitrarily change the meaning of actions depending on the time of day and where you do them and whether or not they asked you first
Monday, July 19, 2010
More nights this week over with Dylan and his lackey for telly and music. Well, the lackeys liked it. Personally, I find watching fit human males in tight clothes as dull as watching the lackey do the dishes but she seems to enjoy it so I let her go. I don’t understand their music either but it keeps them quiet while Dylan and I play chasey and find-the-cat. Saturday we started the day with the lackey locking me out after breakfast so she could catch up on her sleep. Bad lackey. I was going to let her get away with it but I got cold so I starting telling the whole neighbourhood what a cruel monkey she was until she threw open the back door and snarled at me. I’m just hoping none of my friends saw her in her jammies without her hair brushed. Lazy lackey. I spent Saturday afternoon watching her clean and wash and tidy – for about ten minutes then I slept in my sunny spot next to the back window. Sunday was worse. Just before breakfast, the sky wasn’t getting lighter but darker with big clouds and then later the rain came down so hard the lackey had to turn the telly up to hear it. So I slept on the lackey’s leg all afternoon while she watched more telly. This one was better coz there was blood and meaty bits and I like the dog in the show too. When I called out to him, the lackey said: he can’t hear you, bub, Sam’s on the telly. Although I don’t think Sam is a real dog – he dived into a lake and went all the way under and when he came up for air, he was a human. My lackey watches some weird shit.
This is what we watched at Dylan’s - http://leverage-wiki.tnt.tv/page/Eliot+Spencer
This is what we watched at home - http://truebloodwiki.hbo.com/
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday - We’ve been over visiting Dylan and his lackey a couple of times this week as the lackeys have some new tv show they are watching. Dylan and I have fun keeping his neighbours alert and the cat he is cruelly forced to share the house with well away while we’re both there. Although, the ginger fluff factory was in the yard last night. It was lucky I was too focused on the yumminess in my bowl to realise it was sitting on the outside table watching me. When I lifted my nose from the now clean bowl, it was just in time to see a tail disappearing off the edge of the deck. I gave chase. The damn thing was too fast and too familiar with pre-planned escape routes for me to catch it. I did give the lackey a stern talking to when I got back to the door as she had just stood there, watching me eat, without pointing out the cat to me. Bad lackey.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Level 1 – walk about on the top of the bed covers without being careful where you step to wake them up
Level 2 – stroll up the bed, step on the bulges under the covers and give them a great big kiss
Level 3 – sit on the pillow and clean their face
Level 4 – stay on the pillow even if they try and shove you away, also clean ears and teeth – this last one may take some twisting and timing but if you can catch your lackey with their mouth open, you are guaranteed of complete wakefulness and probably some foul language
Level 5 – when they sit up to wipe your slobber out of their mouth, take the lifting of the covers as a signal to tear down inside the covers to the bottom of the bed and begin cleaning their feet – relax, you’ve licked worse off your own paws and/or arse than you will ever find on your lackey’s feet… hopefully
Level 6 – when they sit up and pull their feet away from you, follow them up and use your neck or back to move the covers further away from them, exposing their back to the cold if at all possible – once your lackey feels the cold air, they will get up and get your breakfast just so you will leave them alone and let them go back to bed in peace
Level 7 – to really dig the claw in, while the lackey is out in the cold kitchen preparing your breakfast, you will naturally stay in bed and snuggle down into the warm covers until you hear the pantry door close and the lackey cursing under their breath
Level 8 – eat your breakfast and go out for a pee while the lackey will probably do the same although, as the lackey can pee inside and you have to go outside in the frost, as soon as you finish, race back in, dive up onto the bed, lick their face, get them to raise them arm in defence, shot in under the arm and the covers and plant all four icy paws on their torso
Level 9 – if your lackey manages to get back to sleep after all this, repeat torture levels 1 through 6 until they just plain give up and go get in the hot shower to get away from you
Congratulations – you now have a toasty warm bed all to yourself.