Tug of Warrrrrrrrr!

It’s been cold and raining and the lackey is ill so we haven’t been walking at night. Inadequate. So I demanded we play tug-of-war until one of us dies. Fair enough I thought. So we did. The lackey got a fresh rope out the cupboard and we went for it. I was swung around and lifted up and the lackey’s fingers got sore from trying to hang on when I twisted and it was awesome. We mussed up the covers on the lounge room carpet much to Nanna’s annoyance. We bumped into the little table and the lackey was momentarily worried about my skull until I showed her my balance was superb as usual. We bonked into the big boxes that noise comes out of when the lackey watches telly really loud, that made the lackey squeal at me to be careful but she was the one swinging me on the rope at the time… It was fun and we declared it a draw as we were both nicely puffed from the game. This is what lackey’s are for!

It’s the Lackey’s birthday

I wanted to share her day with her but the idiot talking monkey has been out all damn day – I got a brief scratch then she went out for lunch but DIDN’T bring me back any treats. Then she took Nanna and Pop out after dark and left me outside for hours and still didn't bring me back any treats. Okay, so I had my special dog door and slept nice and warm in the laundry but that’s not the point. She knows the rules – the only reason I give her permission to leave me alone is to go get me food and she DIDN’T!

The Lackey has a sore arm

The lackey disappeared for hours and came back with a bandaged arm. When the wrap came off soon after, there was this stuff drawn on her skin. I couldn’t lick it or nose it and she hissed at me when I accidentally touched it. This better calm down soon coz it’s affecting my cuddle quality. She even swapped sides on our lounge so I couldn’t lean on that arm. Selfish cow, she gets to pour gunk in my ears for weeks, makes me wear a cone over my head and I can’t even lick her arm. Toughen up Princess!

Sunday

Asleep between the lackey and Nanna

Asleep next to Pop

I have a lazy lackey

While I had that stupid plastic cone on my head, the lackey let some bloke into the house who cut a hole in our lovely blue back door and filled it back in again with this pale hard plastic swinging thing. The lackey has made it plain the last few nights that this is now my very own back door. It’s just the right size for me to walk in and out with the big blue door shut but it took me a while to get used to the feel of bashing my nose into the thing to get it to move out of the way. Nanna and Pop stayed home yesterday and I got treats every time I used it. Last night the lackey made a very nice fuss over me when she saw me walk through it. Then last night when I was out, I knew that I had three humans at my beck and call and whacked the big glass back door for one of them to get up off the lounge and let me back in. The lazy monkeys just yelled at me to use my door. What?! Then the lackey holds open the plastic swinging bit of my little door and calls me in through it. At bedtime, she didn’t come outside with me or wait at the glass back door while I did my thing, she made me use my little door. Cow. So in the silent dark this morning (the lackey whined - it’s half past friggin 2 Lucy!), I woke up the lackey and went to the glass door to go out for a pee and she made me use the little door again and went back to bed! How bloody lazy can you get?! It’s not my very own little dog door; it’s an anti-exercise device for the lackey.

I am a Lady!

We were over Dylan’s again tonight so the humans could eat, chat and watch telly. We got tiny, tiny treats from Nanna and then Dylan’s lackey very carefully gave us one biscuit each at the same time. Stupid humans. Dylan and I have bled each other and sorted ourselves out but the talking monkeys still treat us like we are extra nasty, untrained, uncouth savages. And then the bloody lackey tries to get me to pee over there. It’s cold, it’s dark, I’ve been napping in her lap on the super long lounge and she tumbles me off and coaxes me outside and then expects me to go down the big steps in the dark and pee on Dylan’s lawn. Did I mention it was cold and dark?! So I didn’t. Then the lackey started muttering at me and we all bundled in the car and went home. As soon as I got back to my yard I pissed like there was no tomorrow. Finally, the lackey worked it out because she turned to Nanna and said – see, told ya, she won’t pee anywhere but home. Well of course not – I am a Lady.

Busy busy busy

The last three days straight, I’ve got to play with Dylan each day. Well, run around him and bounce a bit while he watches with the indifference of the aged. He’s got to be at least 10 by now. After I got my cone off the other day, Nanna and Pop took me over to Dylan’s with them while the lackey went out. Don’t know where she went coz I was too busy squeezing onto Dylan’s lounge with Nanna, Pop, Dylan and his lackey to let the humans watch the telly. We went home very late and Nanna let me in on the big bed but the lackey wasn’t there! She wandered in a bit later when I was nicely asleep and made me shove over. Bad lackey. She slept very soundly and I had to wash her face to get her out of bed to get my breakfast well after sunrise yesterday. Then later, Dylan and his lackey came to my place and the humans ate together while Dylan and I were shut outside. Bad lackey. But we got treats when we got let back in so she was forgiven. Then tonight, Nanna, the lackey and me left Pop home and went to Dylan’s. Nanna and the lackey talked to Dylan’s lackey for hours while Dylan and I basically ignored them. Dylan’s steps out the back of his place are steeper and of harder stuff that the nice steps I have at home and I don’t like going down them at night so I don’t pee over Dylan’s. The lackey and Nanna noticed this and the lackey explained that I was a lady and don’t pee in front of boys. Well, I’m not and I will but only in my own backyard.

Freedom!

I’m no longer a bucket head! The lackey and I got settled on the lounge last night after our walk and she just took my cone off. Ahhhhhhh, I can scratch again. Although I didn’t need to for a bit as the lackey did it for me. Good lackey. I did get the annoying cold drops in my ear but I think they will soon end as the lackey seems to be having trouble getting them out the little pointy bottle now. Oh, and earlier in the day, Pop earned a ‘bad Poppa’. He was having some toast and if I sit at his knee I always get some. Today, he showed me what he was eating, I cried a bit to get the sympathy and the attached treat, then he laughed at me and ate the toast himself! Yes, all together now – bad Poppa. If I can get him to nap on the lounge with Nanna and the lackey not looking, the old bastard is losing a finger.

Dull dull dull

The lackey has been at work every day, she comes home, we have dinner, we go for a walk, we play tug-of-war, we sit on the lounge, we go to bed. During the day, Nanna and Pop have been going off too so my day-time snacks have dried up and the power struggles over who gets to sit on my bed aren’t happening. We went to see Dylan and his lackey the other evening but even that was pretty uneventful. The humans had dinner together, I got fed at home before we went over so Dylan and I only got treats from Nanna at his place. We ran about in the yard a bit but it was cold and Dylan is old now so he went back inside and I was bored after only a few minutes and went back in with everyone. I tried to get Dylan to play chasey in the house but he wasn’t up for it. My plastic cone is still on my head, the lackey is still putting the cold drops in my ear but it doesn’t hurt any more. The lackey did slip the cone off for our walk last night but I was too busy picking up my pee-mail to care. Oh, we did see one of those toy dogs that are the size of rats over the other side of the park but the lackey made it quite clear that I was not allowed to go over and tell the thing it wasn’t a real dog.

Good and bad

I have mentioned before my idea of balance in the world – take with one paw and give with the other – and today was a fine example of this. We slept in, had cuddles, a nice breakfast but then it got confusing and I got in trouble when Nana and Pop got to breakfast and I cried for treats. I got my rubber cone filled with peanut butter and chased it all over the kitchen but threw up coz I ate too much too quick. Nanna and Pop drove off for the day but I little later Dylan and his lackey came over to play. Dylan found one of my missing bones but then pissed on it so I couldn’t eat it. The lackey got in some reading time but then Nanna and Pop didn’t come back on time and she got a bit worried. Nanna and Pop came home happy after an unexpected meeting turned out to be very fun but the lackey was cross that Nanna had broken the rule about phone calls and lateness. The humans had a very yummy meal and the lackey was thanked and praised but Dylan and I got frigging nothing. Dylan got pats off my lackey but his lackey was too interested in her book to pat me – I complained to Dylan about this and got snarled at. Bastard. The lackey understood and stopped patting Dylan and cuddled up to me on the lounge but still didn’t give me my dinner! All the humans got to watch telly and really liked someone called The Doctor, Dylan and I got ignored for a while. Dylan and his lackey went home but I finally got my tea! The lackey was still worried about me throwing up earlier so hand fed me my dinner – okay so no bad for me in that one! I was allowed to nap on the lackey’s lap but she used my tiredness to sneak some more ear drops in. Pop had taken my collar and bucket off but the lackey made him put it back on. See - good and bad in everything.

New concept for the day – sharing

With the lackey at work, my days are dotted with weird moments with Nanna and Pop. This afternoon we had one that Nanna and Pop told the lackey about at length and the conversation allowed me to understand another weird-arse human concept. I was napping on my bed in the front room. The lackey sometimes sits with me to eat and watch the little telly when it isn’t going to be for very long. We have a bigger telly (the El Seedy) in the lounge room but it has more buttons and Nanna and Pop don’t like using it. So Nanna and Pop have been using the little telly and sitting with me from time to time. This afternoon, in the middle of my nap, they turn on the telly and Pop sits down on the other cushion. Then Nanna decides she wants to cuddle up with us. They made me move! Move! During a nap! And I was on MY bed. Outrageous! Nanna said something about learning to share but whenever the lackey talks about shares she sounds nervous and talks numbers too so I was pretty sure Nanna was using the wrong word. So I scrunched up and whined a bit at them but they’re old and didn’t understand me. When the lackey hears this story from Nanna, she defended me (twice in day, gooooood lackey) by reminding Nanna and Pop that the sofa-bed was my bed and a bloody uncomfortable lounge and they should use the El Seedy if they didn’t want to share my bed. And she said this with no numbers at all. So it was the right word, just a new meaning. But I was still in the dark until Nanna bought out the sweeties and she asked the lackey if she wanted a share. The lackey said yes please and got a piece of Nan’s cake. And there I had the concept – sharing means giving someone a part of something you have. Well bite that one and rip its guts open! No bloody way do Nan and Pop get given a piece of my bed. It’s MINE you idiot humans. How about you lot learn that concept?!

New concept for the day – privacy

This learning thing is a matter of figuring out how these idiotic human brains work – takes some time but does make life simpler later. Today I learned what the word privacy meant. I hear it from the lackey – oh for Christ sake Lucy, can’t I have some privacy – whenever I nose open the tiny smelly-room door to check on the lackey. Oh and yes, do not be alarmed when your pet human shits inside the house in a special small room – they are allowed to poo inside even though you are not because they have this special place called ‘the loo’. Some smug bastard cats can get the hang of this room and use it too. But I was outside doing my thing and was checking the high part of the yard when I found some lovely dry cat shit. Yummy. I know, I know, it sticks in your teeth and the lackey yeeeeeews at you but it is one of life’s little eating pleasures. So I was just grabbing the last bit when Pop walks around the corner and sees the poo hanging out my mouth and yells at me to put it down, that’s yucky, blah blah blah. Then he tells the lackey about it when she gets home. My darling lackey defended me (as is her duty) with “Yeah, and? She’s a Staffy! Give her a denti-stick and get over it.” I love my lackey some days. Then on our walk tonight, I found some more on the dirt track to the park and tried to grab it. The lackey gave me a stern ‘drop it’… twice, then leaned into the lead a bit to drag me onwards. This confused me coz if I eat it and the lackey doesn’t see me do it, I don’t get into trouble and… wow, that’s it, that’s the concept! Eating cat shit is like the lackey doing poos on her own – it’s a privacy thing which we don’t have to point out to each other if we don’t see it happening. Now if only she’d stop watching me poo, I’d let her eat cat shit too.

It’s a dog’s life

Ahhhh, the lackey can stay in my employ a while longer. She obviously realised her skills were falling way short and invited her very experienced lackey Pop and his alpha female down for a visit to help her cover me in attention as I deserve. Pop continues to give me treats even when the lackey tells him not to – which he is absolutely correct in doing. Nanna now lets me cuddle up and sleep on her leg and even finds me adorable – which is true. The lackey seems to have given in completely and I get to pick my spot on the big bed first these days. I even got to nap on the lounge early last night as it was raining and we couldn’t go on our lap then they all sat down to watch that deeveedee thingy Humans seem to like. It’s just noise to me. I’m not sure though if it’s solely Nanna and Pop that have brought about this new luxury or if it’s guilt over keeping this damn cone on my neck. I still can’t lick anywhere I need to and the lackey gets one of them to hold me while she shoves cold wet drops in my ear morning and night. I haven’t bitten her for that because it does actually make my head feel better. But I can’t lick myself and that’s making me sulky which makes Pop give me treats. Back to the old balance of doggy life - take with one paw give with the other.

Nanna may be onto me

We were all lounging around this afternoon. Nanna and Pop were over on their lounge, the lackey and me were on mine. I was nice and relaxed as they all watched the footy. During a drinks break, I propped myself up onto the lackey’s front legs and gave her throat a good lick. Nanna remarked – you ought to be careful of that, she could bite your jugular from there. The lackey defended my honour with – nah, she’s just marinating me. The lackey jokes with her litter mate that I get a good taste of her regularly to make sure she’ll be all yummy once she’s been dead on the floor for a few days and I’m forced to eat her. The resulting wash of my spit is referred to as marinade – whatever that is. I was very pleased that the lackey is more than happy to make provision for my feeding should she drop dead in the house with me. I was less pleased that Nanna has worked out I have a back-up plan. If the lackey really has lost her mind along with her sense of direction, then it’s simply the right thing to do to put her out of my misery.