The lackey has lost her mind - again

I still have the stupid plastic cone on my neck. We had a visit with Dylan and his lackey last night and tonight the lackey and I went on our normal walk. Thankfully, it’s dark now when the lackey gets home from work and none of my friends from the park have seen me in my unfashionable shame. But the lackey is being a spaz again. She did this once before; when I have my long lead on, she’ll forget how to follow behind me properly and the fact she’s doing it again makes me concerned for her head. I really must stop jumping on her to wake her up in the morning, the shock is obviously not good for her. Anyway, on our walk, I just get up to full towing speed and she stops dead. Huh? I look back to see what’s wrong and take a few steps towards her, I get “good girl” and we’re off again. Oooooo-kay. So I just get back up to full towing speed and she stops again. So I turn and go back to her again and off we go. She keeps this up all past the houses till we get to the skinny park near the war memorial. By this time, I’ve had just about enough of this stop-start rubbish and I’m walking closer to her so I can keep half and eye on her. And damn me but she keeps walking with no sudden stops! We get to the busy road and we walk close quarters with the lackey holding the lead shorter and she tells me “good girl” a few times. Yeah, I’m only staying close so I can keep an eye on you, you psycho bitch. Then we get to the big park and the lackey lets the lead run out longer. Right, off I go on my smelling tour of all the pee-mail spots. I try and drag the lackey over to my next sniff and she heads off in the opposite direction. Ahhh, so we’re playing this game again are we? So our lap around the park was all over the place and I missed half my pee-mail but I finally worked out that if I stay close to the lackey’s legs, she keeps moving where I want her to go and if I pull her my way, she won’t follow behind any more. Is this a revolt or madness? First the cone then the annoying ear drops and now this?! One more thing, just one more thing and the bitch is waking up minus a finger.

I’ve won over Nanna

Nanna hadn’t been giving me treats. Nanna had been saying “Lucy, no” a lot. Nanna was regularly giving the lackey advice on how to train me better. This had to stop. So I tried a few things – tripping her, sitting at her knee crying, dropping my rope on her foot. Nothing. Then I had a brilliant idea and today, I tried it out. While the lackey, Pop and Nanna were watching something they said was “the foot-ee”, I got up on the lounge between the lackey and Nanna and feigned sleep with my jaw on Nanna’s leg. Nanna stopped yelling at the footy (apparently the footy man wasn’t kicking the ball enough) and I felt her hand on my back then heard the sound that all canine masters know is the sound of a new lackey being won over – awwwwwww. When she let me stay there, I knew she was turning. When she told the lackey she didn’t want to get up to go pee in case it woke me, I knew I had won. Later, Nanna gave me a biscuit and asked the lackey if I had enough to eat. Victory is mine.

My ear hurts

The lackey took me to see Dr Stephanie again last night. The little cut I made on my right ear got sore then got swollen then got really smelly and last night, the lackey decided that I required professional attention. It was starting to make my head spin when I did my big shake so I allowed her to take me to the doctor. Dr Stephanie poked me at both ends and declared me sick. She gave the lackey two little bottles than I am sure I will learn to run away from in coming days just like I have been with the cream the lackey and Pop have been using since I came home form the holiday camp. Dr Stephanie also put this weirdo contraption around my neck attached to my collar. It’s a huge murky plastic cone that stops me looking anywhere but straight ahead and worst of all, I can’t get my feet in my ears or mouth anymore! And this morning I found out what those two plastic bottles were for. The cream was bad enough going on the outside of my ear but the bottles get drops INTO my ear. It’s cold and it feels icky and I don’t like it. There better be a damn good reason to do all this to me or I’m going to eat the lackey in her sleep.

Two lackeys are lovely – most of the time

I am finally getting the spoiling I deserve. Pop gives me treats and the lackey does everything else. I didn’t even need to eat all my breakfast today coz as soon as anyone eats anything, I get some. The lackey doesn’t seem to appreciate Pop doing this but I sure do! It’s so nice having them both here all day. No matter what time I take a nap or which room I go into, there’s a scratch and a treat waiting for me. Ahh, this is much more like it. The only problem is that my last manicure was a while ago and I’ve managed to scratch my ear and now it hurts. The lackey and Pop are putting this foul cream on me and I try to get away from them and scrape it off but this is the one down-side to two lackeys in the home – one of them is always watching me with cream in hand.

I’ve been away

Last Thursday with no ceremony, the lackey and Pop took me to a holiday camp. There were plenty of other dogs there and all of them in fine voice. The lackey took me into a small brick room and the nice man in the tough trousers bought me a hessian bed and the loveliest blue soft fluffy blankie. Then the lackey left. I ate well, loved everyone who fed me, slept late and even managed to loose a little weight before Pop came and got me and took me home. The lackey was no-where to be seen and the house smelled like she hadn’t been there for days. The cow – she’d dumped me into fat camp and then left the state! She came back tonight very tired and very happy and talked and talked about sweet guys and gracious actors she had met over the days we had been apart. Her litter-mate seemed to be the same when we all had dinner together at Dylan’s house. The lackey seemed to have missed me.

Finally – an experienced Lackey

I knew my lackey had potential as one of the best but I am now even more certain of this after seeing the stock she comes from. Pop is a very experienced Lackey and must have been doing this for years as I have been able to control him very quickly. I now get titbits from him every time he eats and more scratches and good-girls than I can use. I didn’t need to eat most of my breakfast again this morning as Pop had toast and scones for me. Wasn’t that fond of the mushy thing he gave me that he said was “baa-narna”. I thought from the name it would taste vaguely sheep-like. It didn’t. Nanna has now confiscated my mat from the hallway and put it outside in the sun. This wouldn’t be so bad if she put it somewhere I could sun-bake on it but no, it’s hanging up on the line where I can’t reach it. And she didn’t even wash it. Very weird behaviour for an ex-lackey. But my lackey is still doing her best to keep up with me. Our tow around the neighbourhood last night was a bit of a trial as I was in a hurry to get back to Pop and some more treats and the lackey couldn’t keep up. I had to stop and jump up and check on her at one spot coz she was falling behind and whilst I am very strong, dragging the lackey up the hill by the trees was a bit much even for me. So we both slept in till after sunrise this morning.

Nanna and Pop are here!

The lackey’s mum and dad are here. They live a long way away but have turned up in their huge car to sleep in the one room in the house I am not allowed to sleep in. At least now, I know what that room is for. Pop is cool – he gives me toast crust and plays tug-of-wars with me – although I do have to rein myself in and not pull too hard coz he’s not quite as strong as the lackey. Not yet anyway and I have already begun his training. Nanna is the delicate one. I can’t jump up on Nanna or stand up on her legs are use her arm as a ladder. She’s the harder nut to crack when it comes to treats and she doesn’t like me yelling at the neighbours either. But she’s cool coz we have the same afternoon nap times. The lackey has also stayed home for most of the day. More than normal anyway and something special has happened because when I jumped on her head this morning to wake her up, I was told very firmly – I’m on holidays Lucy, I’m allowed to sleep in. Oh, okay but you do know the sun is up and I haven’t been fed – right? It took me another long while of jumping and poking and face cleaning before the lackey did her usual routine of growling at me and getting up. I was so excited about getting crusts from Pop that I forgot to eat my breakfast. When the lackey saw this, she grumbled something about staying in bed next time. No, I don’t think so.

I tried – again

We went on our normal lap around the houses and the park and this takes us down the big road with the funny little house on it. As we got closer, the lackey noticed the people in the tiny house about the same time I started towing her that way. “Yes, I see the people at the bus stop too” the lackey told me. Oh good because sometimes you seems pretty blind to me. So I went up to them to say hello. The lackey seemed a bit unsure about this and made sure I was between her and the new people. Chicken hearted monkey. So I’m getting compliments and scratches from the two males – they smelled like poo and something bitter and one of them had no fur on his head at all but had bits of metal sticking out all over the place – and the lackey nervously agrees with the one with the box of bottles that yes, I am an English Staffordshire Terrier. Smart lad! Then the furless, metal faced one says he’s got a Staffy too so I give me my best smile and a tail wag. Smart lad! Then I get bored and hop down from the bench where I had stood on my hind legs to get the scratches and as we leave, the one who was leaning on the box wished us a pleasant evening. I was very happy to meet two such social humans. Once we were out of human hearing range, the lackey whispered to me – thanks, Luce, can you find ones with IQs over 80 next time? I have no idea what that is so I will ignore the request utterly. I had three pee-mails at the park and as we turned around and headed home, the two humans were walking south and drinking from their box of bottles and gave us a nice cheery wave. I thought they were nice lads even if the lackey was muttering under her breath about ‘boguns’.

Victory is mine!

The Lackey has given up trying to get me to sleep in the hallway on my mat. And the tool for my successful move to the big bed? Sleep deprivation. As I have all day to sleep under the ash tree, I figured why not do all the hard work at night? So I kept up the crying and the scratching and the woofing and banging about the house whenever the lackey said “Lucy, on your mat”. This kept the lackey awake and when she got up to check that me and the house were still in one piece, I’d get in on the bed while she was zombie-walking the house and she was too tired to carry me out the room and then I would let her sleep soundly and snugly. The lackey only needed a week of so of this before her tiny monkey brain worked out that if she let me sleep on the big bad straight away, she got more sleep and I was quiet as a mouse. Except when I wake up and bounce the bed a few times to remind the lackey how good she’s got it by having me around. As the nights get colder and longer, I find I need a warm spot for my back for me to be comfortable – the backs of the lackey’s legs fit nicely. We sleep butt to butt with my head on her lower leg. If she dares move enough to wake me, I walk up the bed on her body, stepping where I know the soft spots are and drop onto her chest and yawn very wide with our jaws a paw width apart. Apparently waking up in the pre-dawn light to a mouthful of teeth helps your lackey keep track of what’s important.

Picture Day

what's that you have there?

do I really have to stand for this?

aren't I gorgeous?!

how many more of these are we going to do?

no more, you paparazzi scum!

Stupid talking monkey.

The lackey went off today for some alone time. When she got home, I made sure to great her like there was no tomorrow and behave myself all through dinner and then go mental to convince her we needed the longest walk ever. She seemed annoyed by this and bundled me into the car. Cool – I got to go for a ride! We ended up at Dylan’s house and we played and practiced our fighting cues while the lackey’s talked and slacked off. They also seemed to have their own special bag of treats that Dylan and I were forbidden to touch. Two stupid talking monkeys.

TV is boring

Dylan and his lackey came over today and we played chasey and let the humans eat and watch the noise box for a while. Bit miffed that we didn’t get that many treats – it seems the lackeys don’t like feeding us near each other. And quite right too – as one of us is in the other’s territory, it gets confusing as to which one of us gets to eat first. Dylan showed me a great trick for keeping the lackey still and quiet that I had tried before but he’s the master of it – his way also gets the bonus of better furniture cushions. Here’s how… Wait for the lackey to get comfortable on the nice lounge, sit at their feet with the classic “I’m cute and you need to cuddle me” look. When the lackey sees this and smiles and goes to look away, drop while maintaining eye contact. The lackey will likely bend down to check on you for dropping without command. If they don’t, keep trying until they do. As they lean down, jump up quickly and lick their face while wagging your tail like a super treat is on offer. They should be amused by this. If not, trade them in for a new lackey. As they straighten up, hop up and lie down beside their leg with your chin on their knee. Maintaining eye contact and the cuddle-me look are vital. You know you have won if the lackey scratches your head and rests their arm along your back. Once in this position, you can safely nap until the lackey announces –Lucy, move, I gotta change the deeveedee. A deeveedee is a shiny, brittle toy that cannot be chewed but can keep lackeys out of your way for ages.