Time is an illusion

For the last little while, I’ve looked at the sky when the lackey puts me outside and heads off for the day. She acts like it’s a routine and it’s the same every morning – time to get up, breakfast time, time to go. But I’ve noticed that the night is still happening more and more when she does this. Yesterday we were out before the birds were awake. Today, she wanted to leave and the sky was still dark. I got my breakfast while she packed for her day away and I popped outside to pee and check the sky. It was dark with just the tiniest bit of light. I zoomed straight back inside and parked myself on my day bed and ignored the lackey. I normally go to the kitchen and sit at the food cupboard to remind the lackey to give me a treat before she goes but it was too early. I thought that keeping her up half the night by crying at her door till I got let in would have meant we could start later but no – it felt like we started earlier coz it was STILL DARK! The lackey packed her bag and put her shoes on and I heard her pop the top of the cream she puts on my belly – the cold, cold cream on my delicate warm bare skin. I stayed on the day bed. She called me all nice and sweet like I was being good – I was not fooled and didn’t move. She tried again. Nope. Once more with a bit of growl behind it. Nope. Another ‘time to go’ but as an order. Nope. I had won! She came up to me and gave me a scratch and muttered something about me not winning this one and gave me a bit of my morning treat. I sat up to eat like a lady and she lunged and rubbed the bloody cream on my belly while I was all exposed. The total cow. I then got another bit of my treat and the lackey bodily lifted me and carried me out to the back deck. The nerve of it! And she had kicked the inside door shut as we went past so I couldn’t get back inside while she did the button thing on the wall and locked the big door. I then got the last bit of my morning treat and a stern reminder not to make things harder than they need to be. What?! When did the lackey decide my morning start time? I know what this is – it’s payback for the arguing at bed time. Fine, I get that but with my best crying puppy face, I ask you – why are we out of bed before the sun is up?

Full moon

Ahhhh, this is my favourite time of the month. Three glorious nights when I can let my inner wolf out and we can stay up all night, barking, chasing mice and keeping the neighbour’s cats out the yard. The light last night was gorgeous. It was a little wet during the day and I’d spent the afternoon playing tug-of-war with the lackey. She wanted to watch some noisy crap on the tv and I wanted to use her grip on the handle of the rope to dislocate her shoulders. We compromised – she sat on the floor and split her attention just enough to make me decide she could keep her arms. So she thought I’d be tired because she was. The lackey is an idiot. She goes to the big bed at about the normal time but the moon was up and the backyard was filled with dappled light and looked like a faerie playground. Mind you, the little pests know to stay out of my way or they lose a wing. The big ones with long hair and carrying swords, I let the lackey deal with. So I wanted to stay out in this wonderful place and the lackey wanted to sleep. We argued, she gave up and went to bed and left the door open for me. She was muttering quite a bit by this time - tough. So I stayed out and had a romp and a bark and every now and again, I get a sleepy “cut it out” from inside that I would promptly ignore. But I knew playtime was finally over when the lackey came out onto the deck and issued the order – inside, now. Ah, that‘s the big one that says the lackey is about to do something I won’t like, so in I trotted straight to the closed bedroom door. Closed?! She calls me inside, stopping my fun and then expects me to sleep on my mat?! Right – that means war. Sit on the mat Lucy, don’t charge the door when I open it Lucy, night-night Lucy. Wait for it, wait for it… The lackey has gone quiet, the night is still and clear, wait for it… Big-dog voice – let me in! The lackey yelled a bad word at me. But hey, whatever works, right? And don’t go thinking that the lackey got away with this – I made very sure that as soon as she started dreaming, I bounced or snuffled or scratched enough to wake her back up. Sometimes you have to remind your lackey which one of you is the bitch.

cleaning up

On the days when the lackey doesn’t dive out of bed when the radio comes on, she spends some time with me and then tidies our home. It is her job after all but today I got the chance to help. The other day, the lackey came home with a lunchbox that was not empty. Usually, the lunchbox goes on the bench but this time it went in the fridge. This means there is something very interesting in the lunchbox that I should know about because I’m used to hearing “so, Lucy, what’s in the fridge today?” and the answer should be “my dinner”. We went for our lap around he houses and the lunchbox stayed in the fridge – three nights running. Then today, the lackey started cleaning and washing and whatever else it is she does when I nap. When I came back inside to check on her progress, the lunchbox was on the tv room table, lid still on. It stayed there while the lackey did something in the laundry and when she came back, she had a drink and a treat for me and opened the lunchbox and it smelled very, very yummy. The lackey ate some, gave me my treat and then put the lunchbox in the back corner of the lounge with the little table blocking it and went back to the laundry. She thought the lunchbox was safe. The lackey is an idiot. I got up on my lounge, walked to the end, jumped over onto her lounge, walked to the end and reached the lunchbox. It was awesome. I ate the entire contents including the rather tasteless skin on the peanut butter goodness and the leftover skins from what the lackey had already eaten. Then because it was cleaning day, I did my bit and licked the lunchbox clean then jumped back onto my own lounge. That’s about when the lackey came back, looked at me funny and said “why can I smell peanut butter?”, then she saw the lunchbox and I got another funny look “oh, Lucy, you didn’t eat the cupcakes paper and all?” Well, yeah, you stupid talking monkey, that’s what you get for leaving food lying around where a beautiful and clever dog can find a way to get to it.

Takeover - plan B

I think the lackey is trying to fight back with the takeover of the big bed. Apart from the fact that she’s still doing to the weird-arse thing with the lead when we go to the park, she’s now banned me from the bed of an evening. Outrageous. It’s back to the mat in the hallway for me – I don’t bloody well think so. But plan B didn’t work very well last night. She kept the door firmly shut and at lights out, I was told to get on my mat. I got close and apparently that was good enough and I expected to be let in for my obedience. No – the lackey turned the last light off and squeezed in the bedroom door and I had no chance to follow because the selfish cow shut the door in my face. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Once my astonishment faded, I gave it my big-dog voice and yelled at her. I got a big NO back through the still closed door. Gave it a bit of time until sounds ceased from inside, then did the ‘something’s outside’ bark and gave the door a swipe. This got the lackey out of her room but she shut the door quickly, checked the house, told me to get back on the mat and did the squeeze thing and shut me out again. Damn it. Gave it some time, listened at the door to make sure the lackey was breathing soft and steady then I went to the back door, knocked to get out and started crying. I got a big NO back through the still closed door. Sigh. Three tries was all I had in me coz I was starting to get sleepy, so I went to my mat and had a nap. After nap time, I tried the crying and scratching the bedroom door trick and THAT worked. Mind you, I think that I had swapped the lackey for a zombie by that point. To show her my displeasure at having to try so many times before I got onto the bed, I slept right against her hip with my arse under her shoulder. Hope I farted in my sleep.

The Lackey has lost her mind.

It’s sad but sometimes it happens. When we left home for our walk last night we didn’t go up the hill around the houses, we went straight to the park and we’ve never done that before. On the way down, I could smell the treats that the lackey had in her pocket and she’s never stolen my treats before. Then when we got there, she couldn’t walk in a straight line. Weird. I’d trot off like I always do to get the lead at full stretch so I can tow her along and she didn’t move – the third new thing in ten minutes. Right, something was definitely up. So I tried again – walk straight out, get the lead tight and pull. The idiot walked the wrong way! She turned tail and dragged me behind her. Unacceptable! I had to get back in front so I tootled over and got far enough out to start pulling on the lead and she did it again – just changed direction and dragged me back. So I got back slightly in front again and we walked in a straight line for a bit and when I looked up to see if she was foaming at the mouth, I got the sit command (which I obeyed because you don’t anger crazy people) and I got one of the treats. WTF?! We did this a few times until I figured it was easier to play along with her delusion because it got me more treats. It worked. Every time I walked straight without towing the lackey, I got a treat. And damn me if it didn’t make me want to stop pulling on the lead. Who’d have thought? Still it was fun trying to get the lackey dizzy by yanking the lead and making her turn around. When we got home, I was so concerned for her mental state that I sat next to her with one paw on her leg just to keep her calm and still.

glorious

Some time ago, the lackey gave me a mat to sleep on. I disembowelled it instead. The lazy lackey has finally removed her opposable thumbs from her butt and found the pictures to add.


Not my best angle

Attack from the side gives a nice profile shot of my pelt markings

Wait a minute... these entrails aren't that tasty

But I shall continue as instinct demands

Grrrrrr


Ahhh, nothing is as sweet as being shoulder deep in the belly of your enemy

Bite their bum, bite their bum



My work here is finished

Hehe heh heh he he he

takeover attempt stalled

The idea was to take over sole use of the big bed. I planned to go about this by several steps -

1. be sweet and adorable and get into the room before the lackey goes to bed
2. be asleep right in the middle of the bed to make the lackey sleep crooked
3. wake the lackey up at regular intervals during the night to get her tired and grumpy
4. wear the lackey down so that the next time she walks in her room, sees me in the middle of the bed asleep she just gives up and goes to sleep in the other room on the lounge

I over-played it. The lackey countered with meaty treats, a nice long walk and a serious game of tug-of-war that plain tuckered me out. Then while I was asleep on my mat, she went to bed. Rats.

Still, the meaty treats were fabulous. I got a kidney, an actual sheep kidney and a chunk of tendon with flesh hanging off it. Drool was the only response. Well, that and burying the chunk till it smells better. I trotted back in with my nose covered in dirt, proud as punch and what does the lackey do? Wipes it off. Or tries to, the belly dancing exercises came in handy to squirm out of her grip. But then we got into the tug-of-war thing and well, a good night's sleep for us both. I said thank you this morning by licking her pillow clean while she was in the shower.

I tried

I tried, I really did. Some days my lackey seems a little lack-lustre so I thought I’d help her get out and meet people. Every other lackey I see, I drag her over and she says hello while I get a good sniff – yesterday we met Alexi, Ebony and Mitchell and their lackeys whose names were not exchanged. Tonight, as we went through the park, I noticed a male lackey without a canine sitting on the grass fixing his shoes and plugging cords into his ears. As we got nearer, the lackey veered away but he looked fit and healthy, so I tried to drag her closer. I almost made it, I almost reached him but the lackey put on a final surge of strength and pulled me up short. When I gave up and trotted back out in front of her, I got a “good girl”. Huh? Was I good because I didn’t get to lick the male lackey’s lower back? Was I good because I took strain off the lead and the lackey’s shoulder by coming back closer to her legs? Idiot human, he smelled quite nice in an athletic way. She could have at least said hello while I got to lick his leg. She could have let me get that much of a taste.

tired lackey - again

Sometimes you have to refresh their training. This morning, the lackey did not get up and get my breakfast on time. Unacceptable. I woke her every time I got bored until she worked it out. Okay, so it was still dark and the lackey had a non-work day but that is no reason to stay in bed while I starve to death. Even then the lackey found an escape hole – she fed me, opened the back door so I could go pee in my favourite spot and then she went back to bed! Outrageous! I forgave her after giving her a lesson in what happens when you lay down near a fully awake and energetic dog. She didn’t really need to go and wash her face – I’d already done that. I let her sleep till the sun was up and the light was bouncing off the dining table and making nice shapes on the wall and then I jumped and licked until she growled me and yelled “alright, alright, I’m getting up”. A tired lackey is a grumpy lackey. I was a bit lenient then for the rest of the day and didn’t even eat anything important while she went out to buy me stuff. Although I’m sure she had something more in the bags than just the one new chew toy I got. Still, I got treats for having to stay home and a nice long walk around and through the park so all in all, I won’t kill the lackey in her sleep this week.

Dylan came over

Dylan and his lackey paid us a visit last night so I got fed early so all the food was gone before he arrived. The mongrel still found a piece of old marrow bone I hadn’t buried. I thought about taking it off him but really, all the good bits were long gone so I let him carry it around for a couple of laps of the yard. He couldn’t find a place to bury it either so my lackey confiscated it. Good lackey. Dylan behaved himself quite well so it was a rather pleasant evening playing chasey in the yard while our lackeys ate and talked. By the time they left, I was quite tired and didn’t mind that we had skipped our walk, made the lackey play tug-of-war for a while instead. I love these soft ropes that she buys for me to destroy. This one has two loops and I’ve left one side intact for my lackey to hang onto, the other loop is slowly being reduced to tiny, tiny pieces scattered over the mat in the noisy room. The lackey makes small attempts to pick up the pieces by hand some nights but gives up very quickly. I think that means that this weekend will be the “grumpy lackey tidy up the house” weekend. In a rare moment of weakness, I thought ahead a little and let the lackey get a good night’s sleep. I only woke her twice – once to get into her room and onto the best bed and then another when I felt she was just beginning a good dream. If they think you are evil at times, they give you treats more often just for being normal.

nervous walkies

I had a very nervous walk tonight. The lackey ignored the sky patterns that said rain was close and went out anyway and she started out normal - until we changed route. Instead of going around the narrow street that comes back to the park, we went straight on and came around the big road that circles back to the other street and then back to the park. A couple of times, I had to stop and look up at the lackey to check on her. It doesn’t pay to kill your lackey during a towing session – their dead weight on the other end of the lead can make getting home a little difficult. I would stop every now and then, look up with the appropriate “pat me now” expression and she would obey so I was relatively sure she was alright. Mind you, the puffing and sweating by the time we got home was not what one expects from one’s human servant. I shall have to insist we walk more so I can tow her to fitness.