Steering your lackey tips and tricks

When you take your lackey for a tow around the suburb, there can be the moment when a conflict of expectations makes things a little difficult. You’ve all been there – you get to the corner at the bottom of the street and the lackey thinks it’s time to head home and you want to go check your pee-mail at the park. The lackey may attempt to steer you back or in any direction other than the one in which you wish to go. But what can you do to change their mind? They have a higher centre of gravity, are taller and out-mass you. Ha! Easy. You have one end of a lead and they have the other, right? Your closeness to the ground and number of legs comes in very handy as you can pull the “wrap around” manoeuvre – stand still right in front of your lackey to make them stop, quickly bound around them to wrap the lead around their legs (below the knee preferred). The lackey can now not move without falling (if they do, lick them to death). When the lackey bends down to untangle their legs, take this division of attention to carefully walk the lead out to its measure in precisely the direction you wish to go. As the lackey stands back up, pull suddenly on the harness to momentarily unbalance them and then charge off to anywhere you want to go. They will have no choice but to follow or dislocate a shoulder. Stopping suddenly right in the middle of their next step can also unbalance them and re-orientate them. But be warned, miss-time this and they’ll step on you before they notice you are underneath their feet.