I have not been away

I just haven’t been in control of the lackey for a while. I tried everything that had worked before – licking her eyeballs, drooling in her ear when she’s asleep, standing on her head, sleeping on her arms and legs, never leaving her alone for a minute – but none of it worked this time. I just couldn’t work out why the mind to mind connection seemed to have broken down.

But hang on, if that was true… how come the lackey still fed me at the right times, gave me treats when I asked, chatted to me on our walks, scratched me when I needed it, cuddled me when she’d get home after being at work all day, all of that was still working. Then I worked it out. It wasn’t that our connection to each other was less, it was that other stuff was drowning it out. Like when you think you hear the dog down the corner barking but you can’t be sure because the telly is on and the lackey doesn’t seem to hear it and you have to go outside to get a clear sound – it was like that. I was barking in the back of her brain but all the other stuff going on in her head had covered it up.

Once I worked that out, I took pity on the poor talking monkey and let her sleep through a few nights. I kept my bouncing down and my small dark hours bark-fests to the nights when she’d been home all day and let her get some rest for the days when she goes to work. It was like magic! All of a sudden we’re back in step. I’ve even managed to sniff out the bag of bones she brought home the other day hidden in the think bag and I haven’t had one of them for ages. She still loves me!

So things are heading back to normal for us. The shattering of our routine when Nanna and Pop were here is almost fixed. But their room hasn’t been cleaned up yet – actually not much has been cleaned up in ages so there’s no icky cleaner smells stinking up the place and I can breathe inside the house again. Although she stills sprays our bedroom morning and night no matter how tired she is.

The lackey has been busier that a sheep dog with a flock that’s been left in the hills for a bit too long and she has to yard them all on her own! I was beginning to think that she’d just give up sleeping altogether so she could keep up with stuff but this weekend, we spent the whole time (when not going for walks) in our room with me sprawled all over the big bed and the lackey within paw’s reach at her desk all all all weekend. It was brilliant. And she got me my favourite treats again so all is right again with our little world.

And really, that’s all that matters.

I almost made it

Freedom is such a movable target. I have the freedom to wander around the house while the lackey is home – except for Nan and Pop’s bedroom. I have the freedom of the backyard – except for the gated off area around the car and the bins. I have the freedom to eat what I want when I want – provided the lackey learns my tastes. I am free to sleep any time I want – except for when the lackey wants to go to work and I have to move from the big bed to my mat. I can get a scratch whenever the lackey is around – except when she’s sleeping or eating or typing or in the small room next to the sink.

Yesterday, I thought I had the freedom to go over and visit the yummy, err, nice cats across the road. I was wrong in this as well as I quickly found a huge except clause. The lackey and Nanna were hosing down the plants in the front garden and the lackey had not quite closed the outer gate due to the hose running out of it. Nanna was changing spray thingies and doing stuff next to the fence and I sat and watched. And waited. Watched and waited. Then Nanna decided to go out to check on the lackey and she thought I was far enough away that she could open the gate wide and take her time getting through it. HA! Wrong! I was out and into the road before they knew what hit them. They both shouted at me but I didn’t care, there were cats to be found. I made it over into the yard which had quite conveniently left both big roller gates all the way open and I could bolt in past their cars and into the cat playground. Where were they? I could hear the lackey pounding closer and her tone was not very nice at all so I ignored her completely. I got past the bird cage, past the little pond and around the side of the house and the lackey thought she had me cornered in a one way out garden path. The neighbour lady chatted to the lackey and while her attention was diverted I shot past her and into their backyard proper. Where were they? The neighbour lady and the lackey then teamed up to corner me and I could tell the cats were off somewhere else so I plopped down on the grass and waited for the hand on my collar to drag me home. The neighbour lady was not upset with me – I guess because her cats were not home. The lackey was boiling mad at this point and I had just started telling her off for not letting me wander free in the street when Nanna swooped in and picked me up. Picked. Me. Up. Now how was I meant to argue with that? She’s old, my toenails are nice and strong, I would have hurt her, so I licked her face like it was all a big joke and let her take me home.

To say that the lackey was mad would be like saying cats are only mildly irritating. I tried to read her mind but it was in a mess trying to decide whether to yell at me or at Nanna or just cry or cuddle me because I was safe. I was all prepared to wash her face if she picked the last one when she tromped inside, told Pop to take me for a walk and poured a drink of that fizzy stuff she likes.

So then I want for a half walk with Pop. He’s slower than the lackey and we don’t go as far but I’m sort of free for a little bit and he lets me pick where we go instead of the lackey’s way of making me walk like a lady and play nice.

So freedom is a flighty thing. You can have it for minutes or moments or hours. It all depends on whether or not what you need to be free fits inside the limits that are placed around you.

We finally have a connection

For some time now, the lackey’s brain has been so clogged up with other stuff that I haven’t been able to get a word into and through her chaotic human brain. Sorry about that, my loyal followers but while I was trying to get in, I picked up a phrase that the lackey kept using – sometimes real life just gets in the way.

It all started two full moons ago when Pop had to go to the vet. No sooner had my lackey and Dylan’s lackey discussed this at length that the lackey and I head over there one sunny afternoon for a play date with Dylan. I did notice that Dylan’s lackey picked us up in her car and that the lackey had a much larger than normal treat bag with her but hey, that’s a good thing – or so I thought. Anyway, Dylan and I got to go mental in the backyard for a bit as both lackeys got in the car and headed off but only Dylan’s lackey came home! I’d been dumped! Bad lackey.

I stayed with Dylan and his lackey for a whole week – a week of no sleeping on the bed, a week of being demoted to beta, maybe lower some days if Dylan’s lackey was grumpy. Fewer treats, less kisses and cuddles. I was neglected I tell you! But gee we had fun when Dylan’s lackey went to work. The barking, the digging, the chasing – marvellous. I did get to listen to the lackey on that human phone thing – Dylan’s lackey called me over and I could hear my lackey far away and couldn’t scent her at all but at least I knew she missed me. A lot.

And then my lackey came home! I was so excited I may have peed myself just a little bit. My tail was wagging so hard I could barely stand and she gave me the bestest biggest cuddle and scratch and belly rub combination ever. We went home and I was alpha again! Treats, cuddles, the big bed, it was all back to normal. The lackey was okay too because Pop had come home from the vets all fixed up but she checked with Nanna every day for a while just to be sure. She didn’t even get to stay home with me for a few days, it was straight back to work for her so I missed out on two weekends in a row having my lackey to myself. Bugger it.

So I thought that her brain would calm down and I could take over again. Wrong. Her brain went even more messy as things at work are apparently hugely busy. This has continued now for weeks and the lackey has come home many nights upset and tired or both and some nights when we go for a walk, she is so snarly over work things, she walks so fast that I don’t need to pull on the harness to speed her up! Some nights I even walk beside her for a while as I’ve already had my fast bit trying to stay ahead of her. This is a good thing for both of us and we have bonded even closer. I don’t panic when she gets home any more as I know absolutely that I will get my big cuddle and my treat after we get inside and the lackey puts her shoulder bag down. I don’t beg for half of her dinner anymore as I know for a rock hard certainty that I will get the scraps after she’s done and my biscuits will always be there waiting for me. All we need to work on now is sharing the big bed. I still want my side and she still seems to think it’s her bed. I’ll keep kicking her and standing on her and licking her face in the wee dark until she realises that she’ll get more sleep if she goes out and uses the lounge. Or the laundry pile. I can vouch from experience that the spare doona on the bedroom floor is also quite comfy to sleep on. She should try it…

Things haven’t been quite right lately

A few weeks ago, the weirdness started. The lackey always cleans the house on a not-going-to-work-tomorrow day and then one night, she just up and started cleaning. Even got the noisy red thing out the cupboard – don’t make me shove you with the vacuum Lucy. On a work night? Okay, I can let that go. Then the next morning, she walks out the gate – she does know she hasn’t taken the car, right? I did grumble a bit and she shushed me and acted like this was normal – and then that night, she’s not home at dark. Umm, should I be worried? Nope – all is okay, I can hear her outside getting out of a car and talking to someone I don’t know. I am in heaven – it’s a spare lackey! This new lackey brings bags of stuff in and settles into nanna and pop’s room – ahhhh that explains the cleaning thing. But the next day, they went out and left me all on my own for the evening! Monkeys! Then joy of joys, the next day after that, another spare lackey! This one was very experienced and we bonded immediately as I could smell at least two masters on her clothes. We had a grand day in – Dylan and me tearing up the back yard and our lackeys and a spare lackey EACH for us. Then the next day another spare lackey turned up! More people in and out the house than ever with this lackey and I didn’t have time to worry with all these extra scratches and treats and cuddles. But then a few days later things changed again. We spent a lot of time at Dylan’s as our lackeys talked and talked and talked. Seems something is wrong with pop. Something he’s going to have to see a vet about. Vets are sometimes good, sometimes bad but they always stick metal things where you don’t want them to. The lackeys think he’ll be fine but they’re planning something, something I don’t think I’m going to like. I got my answer last weekend – I stayed the night with Dylan and the lackey was nowhere to be seen! Dylan’s lackey came over and chatted to my lackey (normal) and then my lackey put my harness on (normal) and then Dylan’s lackey took my lead and put me in her car and drove away (so very not normal!). It wasn’t until the next afternoon that my lackey came and got me. Boy was I happy to see her! I mean it wasn’t that bad. I had to eat outside coz it’s Dylan’s kitchen floor after all. I had to sleep on the outside of the bed coz it’s Dylan’s bed and it’s his lackey. But she fed me and I got treats and Dylan played nice – mostly - so that’s all okay. But I don’t think the weird stuff is over yet. The lackey is being super sooky and cuddly and I’m getting away with all sorts of things she normally yells at me for. She has been so off her game that our brain connection broke down and I couldn’t get her to do stuff for me there for a while but the other night, she was lying down and I jumped up onto the lounge and leaned on her chest and licked her face. She ewwwww-ed and carried on but mission successful, some of my spit got in her eye and soaked into her brain and we are as one again. Now, I have to get her to give you all this update and go buy me some more treats.

Getting Even

Some nights, the lackey and I are a fluid, eight paws of togetherness. Some nights we ain’t. Take last night as an example of discord. The lackey came home, we had treats, we had scratches, we had dinner, we had a walk. All good. The lackey made a phone call while I got comfy on the big bed. Again, all good. The lackey turned on the computer and turned her back on me. Very not good. I stood on the edge of the bed and popped my front paws up on the back of her chair and licked her neck to get her attention. That worked for a couple of nice scratches and then she turned back to the silly box. Right. This means war. The secret of a master campaign is to lull the enemy into a false sense of security – this works equally well with lackeys and cats.

Battle 1 – the lackey. Lay in wait, let them think you’re being good. Let them do whatever it is that is taking their attention away from you. Let them finish whatever it is and get ready for bed. Pretend to be asleep when they tell you it’s time to go out for a pee. Let them try and get into bed with you solidly unmoving smack bang in the middle of the fluffy covers. Let them start to fall asleep balanced right on the edge of the mattress… and then bounce up to make a big fuss about going out for a pee so that you drag them outside. You don’t need them for anything, you just them to get out of bed and get cold. This also means you have already won and can move on to the next battle.

Battle 2 – the cat. Sometimes cats play a game of chicken. They sit on the corner in their little gangs and hatch plans. Vast, daring, extreme sport type plans that involve high speed and a dog in the dog’s own backyard. This must be stopped at all costs. The most brave (or perhaps most stupid) of cats lives across the road from the blue house. It naps on the front deck where it knows I can’t reach it and then taunts me from the railing. Last night, it tried for the gold medal in the X Games by trying to run through MY yard while I had nice smelly bones to chomp on after the lackey had tried three times to go to bed and my barking had her running out in her jammies to shut me up. Not so extreme you might say, a cat is fast after all and I did have a full belly. Ah yes, I say, but you didn’t hear the stupid bloody bell around it’s suicidal neck. I did. Several times we raced over to the back fence and back at full tilt with that silly tinkling followed by my big girl bark and the lackey hissing – Lucy, shut up and get inside! No. Not while there’s a game of eat-the-cat to be played out. I lost the damn thing in the trees and the dark and went back to my bones and once she saw I was comfortably crunching on them sitting in the courtyard, she went back to bed. Again. This was a ruse to get rid of the lackey and go back to chasing the cat and barking. Apparently, the lackey doesn’t like barking after bedtime. Who knew. I soon worked out that the suicidal cat was trying for my bones. Not. Going. To happen. So I buried them. Once all of them were safely hidden away, the cat got bored and went home so I went into bed. Cat nil, Lucy 4.

Battle 1 part 2 – after burying your bones, do not rub your nose and paws clean in the grass, do it on the doggy cover on the big bed. The lackey was furious and wide awake in the small dark, I was triumphant and happy.

Now all that was left to do was to turn in circles the required three times widdershins and go to sleep to the victory lullaby of the lackey calling me an inconsiderate cow. And I did let the I’ve-been-evil snuffle rise as I nodded off.

I’m Confused

The lackey is breaking her own rules and our routine is changing and I’m freaking out about this! For the last two seasons, the lackey and I have fallen into a routine that suited me beautifully and the lackey just limped along trying to keep up. After reaching the end of the lackey’s rope a few weeks ago, there have been… changes. And not in the oh-look-there’s-more-food-in-my-bowl way, oh no, it’s in the my-lackey-has-a-mind-of-her-own way. This is bad! When the lackey stayed home from work for three sleeps in a row this weekend (which is odd but okay) we cuddled more, she talked to me heaps more and we played tug-of-war and went for walks and visited Dylan (which was all very nice) but the morning routine was off, totally off. She got up and fetched my breakfast when I slobbered in her ears – which is normal. I got a sleepy scratch and a treat in the laundry – which is normal. Then the weirdness started. The lackey had not washed or changed clothes and instead of getting in the car and leaving me for the day, she pats me, tells me I’m good then shuts the bloody inside door in my face and the house goes quiet! Ooooooo-kay. So I have my normal morning, bark a bit, chase the pigeons out of the yard a bit, sleep a bit. But the lackey is still inside and when I hear noises start up and then go to check on her, the inside door is now open and the lackey is washed and dressed in normal all-day clothes. Huh? We share some vegemite toast and that’s that. Back to normal afternoon and evening – sleep, eat, tv, cuddles, bed. Then she did the odd morning thing again – then normal eat, nap, Dylan’s, bed. Then she did it a third time – then normal eat, nap, play, eat, walk, tv, bed. So I thought, right, we’ve got a new routine. So this morning, I go for the new routine except she goes back to the old routine! I’m now so confused that I wet myself... and she didn’t get mad even though I was cowering and waiting for a scalding - she seems concerned FOR me instead. When she gave me my normal treat in the laundry, she followed me outside which over the last few days has meant we are leaving the house, so I follow her into the carport and then we play chase around the car for ten minutes while I try to stay in the carport and she tries to get me out of the carport then she lets me get in the car then she picks me up, carries me to the courtyard and plops me near my second treat which she left on the ground and then she scoots back into the carport and leaves me! What’s going on?! As near as I can tell, the only benefit out of this entire debacle is that the lackey got a lot more sleep. Outrageous! And to top it all off, for my birthday, all I got was one stinking extra treat. I tell you, a few more weekends like this and I’m eating a finger or two off while she’s asleep… after I pee on her bed.

It’s been dull – no, really dull, dull, dull

Life has a routine about it at the moment. It’s been a bit of bad weather keeping us from walking down the park and back each night so we play tug-of-war till the lackey’s shoulder is dislocated or we go over to see Dylan and his lackey for food and games of tag while the lackey’s chatter away like the furless monkeys they are. There have been a few fun moments scattered about but only a few. A bit of an embarrassing admission but I fell out of bed the other night. The best spot on a windy, wet night is to be snuggled down under the blankies next to the lackey’s legs where I have back support and natural warmth. She sleeps still most of the time and lying down along her legs has worked for us – until the other night. The lackey wasn’t quite in the middle of the bed and I failed to notice this in the dark when I climbed up, stood on her head and shoved at her neck until she lifted up the blankets and let me crawl into the warm spot. I slept quite nicely next to her legs for a while but at some point, we drifted over a bit in our sleep and when I stood up for a stretch and a yawn, I managed to slip off the side of the bed. Uh-oh, bad form. I stayed very still and waited to hear if the lackey had woken up. “Are you okay Luce?” came the half asleep mutter from above. Crap – she noticed I fell. I had to save the situation and quickly. I scuttled around to the end of the bed and stayed low until the lackey asked a bit more awake “Lucy, you okay?” then I popped up with the patented Staffy grin on my face in a move that I hoped would convey – tah-dah, I meant to do that, aren’t I clever? The lackey didn’t buy it for a second. “Yeah, yeah, look at you, get up here so I can check your legs aren’t broken”. I hopped up, got a quick frisk and then a big scratch. The lackey pronounced me an idiot and rolled over to go back to sleep. I could not allow this dismissal to go unchallenged and jumped onto her shoulder and tried for a game of scratch me if you can. The half-hearted belly rub I got was enough for me to worm back under her arm and for her to collapse back into slumber. Oh well, I suppose that’s better than her rushing to the toilet from laughing at me too hard.

I Found the End of the Lackey’s Rope

I knew from day one that the lackey was a push-over… or pull over or trip over. She’s got very little natural aggression and if there’s any growling between her and Dylan’s lackey, my lackey is the first one to back down. But every one has a rope and all ropes have an end somewhere – and I found the lackey’s first thing Sunday morning. I had spent all day Saturday at Dylan’s place. We had played chase for a bit then napped for a bit then had treats then napped some more. I barely noticed the lackey wasn’t there until tea time when I was ready for my next batch of crunchy munchies. Dylan’s lackey is a bit slacker when it comes to snapping to her doggy orders and we had small words but otherwise fine, then Dylan and I napped after that. Then I heard the unmistakable rhythm of the lackey’s car in the drive. I went ape-shit. I was SO happy to see my very own slave back in the house. The two lackey’s chatted for a bit – apparently the lackey had been somewhere and done something new and interesting but like I cared about that. We went home and straight to bed as the lackey was very tired. I woke her a few times during the dark just to make sure she was still there and remembered me. She did. At first light Sunday morning, I was so worried about being left with Dylan again for the day that I didn’t want to leave the lackey’s sight so when nature called, I answered – on the lackey’s bedroom carpet. She had woken up when I got off the bed and was suspicious straight away (there had been another peeing incident earlier in the week that now means that the lounge door is closed all the time whenever we are NOT watching telly). The lackey got out of bed and sniffed – Lucy, have you done something? She turned the light on and I knew I’d been caught red-bottomed. And here we are – right smack bang at the end of the lackey’s rope. She lost it. I knew I was in trouble as soon as she looked at me, so I gave her big puppy face but she didn’t buy it one bit. I was dragged off the end of the bed and my chin was shoved into the piss patch and a very loud, growling – did you do this? What could I do? I gave her more puppy soft eyes and dropped my shoulders in submission. She didn’t buy that either. I got half serve breakfast dumped into my bowl then me and the bowl were dumped into the laundry and the door was very, VERY firmly shut behind me. Sigh. I acknowledge it was my own stupid fault. The doggy door was open, I could have trotted outside, peed and got back inside without the lackey knowing if I had been soft and quiet about it. But I didn’t, I took the quick fix and it backfired spectacularly. So now I have a long road back to the other end of the lackey’s rope which I started last night by obeying the “Lucy, out for pee” command immediately. Really, a lady of my years should not have to be reminded when and where to piss.

Boys, bones and bed

Had a nice surprise during the week – I got my first crush. Sure, I’d barked at boy dogs on the telly before and the lackey tells me they’re not real as though I don’t have the nose to work that out for myself - idiot monkey. The other night was different. We were sharing the lounge in the front room just after dinner and it was cold and raining so there was no lap around the park to rush off and do, so we sat there and watched telly. The lackey operates it, as is her menial duty, and we end up on the most gorgeous Shepherd you’ve ever seen. He was a vision. He was jumping around, chewing on a squeaker and I just froze. I was enraptured, sitting there with my ears all propped up and my head just tilted over a bit to watch him better and I just had to yip and talk back to him. The lackey burst out laughing and asked me the dumbest question ever – Do you like him, Lucy? Well, gee, let me think. Actually, no, wait a minute, just let me sit here and watch him drop the squeaker and – the talent of this just blew my mind – he picked up a little watering can and watered the office plant! Shit, really? Is that what you’re meant to do to pot plants? I thought they were just emergency toys to be broken in case of boredom. We watched for a bit and then the lackey, in her most stupid upright-monkey voice started singing – Lucy likes Rex, Lucy likes Rex. I immediately had to shove my tongue into her face to get her to shut the hell up… but at least I now know his name.

Then the next day, I completely forgot him as the bones that the lackey had tipped onto the deck earlier in the week were finally rancid enough to eat and I spent the day dragging them about the yard and chomping them into sharp pieces. The sharpest ones, I scattered about the courtyard between the house and the carport because I’m laying traps for the stupid cat from across the road that keeps coming onto the front deck that I CAN’T GET TO! I must lure it over the fence, I must lure it over the fence.

Then the day we normally play – let’s see how many times Lucy stands on the lackey’s head before she gets out of bed – the game ended early when the lackey fled the house for the day. Apparently, spending her day eating and laughing with her friends is a better way to spend her time that getting a sore arm rubbing my belly too much. Erm, okay, I suppose she can have one day to herself. Mind you, when she got home, I demanded double treats and she did end up getting a sore arm from me making her reach to scratch my belly. Here’s the trick for those times when you want a scratch and to punish your lackey at the same time. Whine until they get the message and give you a rub. Do not lay down and make it easy for them. Stand up next to them on the bed and slowly lean further away from their shoulder to make them reach just that little more, little more, little more until some time later they realise that their back and shoulder hurt and they pull back into a more comfortable spot. Repeat. If it gets late and the lackey is reading a good book and not paying the action any attention, you can get them to hurt themselves. Ha hah ah ha ha - stupid human. Spent Sunday morning trying to trip the lackey up as she did housework, the afternoon napping on the big bed and the evening annoying the piss out of the lackey by interrupting her computer time then her reading time as much as I could be bothered to. A good week all in all.

It’s hard to teach an old lackey new tricks

We’ve been trying a few things to try and communicate better but it’s not working as good as I hoped it might. For example – when I wake the lackey up by nosing the back of her neck, we both know that means that I need her to lift the covers of the bed and let me crawl down to sleep in the warm corner behind her bent knees. Once I had this working well, I tried a new signal as I refuse to sully my mouth with her stupid language. So when I wake her up by washing her face, her ears, her neck, I’m telling her to get her lazy arse out of bed and feed me. The lackey does not understand the urgency of the request and I have to repeat the action several times some minutes apart before it sinks into her sleep addled monkey brain that I want food. I have also begun trying to command her to get out of bed when her noise machine turns itself on in the mornings by standing over her head hopefully pulling her hair in the process. Now the lackey misunderstands this one completely as every time I try it, she rolls over super quick and pins me down to the pillow like she’s trying so hard to be the alpha dog or something. Stupid monkey – she doesn’t have the right teeth for a start. Anyway, we’re going to have to work on that one. She does seem to understand my requests for walks though – I just dance and tear around the house till she picks up my harness and then I race her to the side gate. Only took me a few times to do that before she worked it out. Humans – their ability to learn seems strangely hit and miss.

spot the dog

I don’t understand

· Why can the lackey poo and pee inside the house on the loo thingy when I can’t even so much as rub by bum inside?
· Why is eating a rotting bone on the deck good and eating it on the big bed bad?
· Why is standing on the lackey’s lap good and standing on her head bad?
· Why am I not allowed to chase cats when the lackey doesn’t even like them?
· Why am I allowed to mess up the cushions on the lounge in the front room but get growled at when I mess up the cushions on the lounge in the tv room?
· Why is barking in the yard at strangers in the street good and barking in the lackey’s ear at 2am to tell her I’m awake bad?
· Why is licking the lackey’s face when she gets home from work good and licking the lackey’s face at 2am bad?
· Why is playing tug of war with the short twisted rope in the backyard good and playing tug of war with my harness lead out on our walk bad?
· Why am I only allowed to lick my bum when no-one is watching?
· If scratching feels so good, why does the lackey stop me doing it when I’m leaning against her back at 4am?
· Why does the lackey reward me for walking close when I’m on the harness lead and then growl about it when I do it in the kitchen?
· Why teach me to use the doggy door in the laundry and then complain when I use it between naps at night? Or is she really complaining about me coming back to bed with cold paws? Well then why can she cuddle me to get warm and I can’t plant my paws in her back to do the same thing?
· Why teach me to shake hands for treats and then yell at me for pawing her when I want treats?
· Why is all my fur on me cuddly and good and one single white hair in her clothes bad?
· Why does she get to scratch my tummy when I can’t scratch hers? Okay, so that one I’m okay with coz I can take as much as I can get but she still gets all snotty when I scratch at her. Just because my claws are perfect and hers are weak and soft. Oh, that must be it – she’s jealous of my nails.
· The one thing I do understand – humans are weird things that arbitrarily change the meaning of actions depending on the time of day and where you do them and whether or not they asked you first

A quiet life

More nights this week over with Dylan and his lackey for telly and music. Well, the lackeys liked it. Personally, I find watching fit human males in tight clothes as dull as watching the lackey do the dishes but she seems to enjoy it so I let her go. I don’t understand their music either but it keeps them quiet while Dylan and I play chasey and find-the-cat. Saturday we started the day with the lackey locking me out after breakfast so she could catch up on her sleep. Bad lackey. I was going to let her get away with it but I got cold so I starting telling the whole neighbourhood what a cruel monkey she was until she threw open the back door and snarled at me. I’m just hoping none of my friends saw her in her jammies without her hair brushed. Lazy lackey. I spent Saturday afternoon watching her clean and wash and tidy – for about ten minutes then I slept in my sunny spot next to the back window. Sunday was worse. Just before breakfast, the sky wasn’t getting lighter but darker with big clouds and then later the rain came down so hard the lackey had to turn the telly up to hear it. So I slept on the lackey’s leg all afternoon while she watched more telly. This one was better coz there was blood and meaty bits and I like the dog in the show too. When I called out to him, the lackey said: he can’t hear you, bub, Sam’s on the telly. Although I don’t think Sam is a real dog – he dived into a lake and went all the way under and when he came up for air, he was a human. My lackey watches some weird shit.

This is what we watched at Dylan’s - http://leverage-wiki.tnt.tv/page/Eliot+Spencer

This is what we watched at home - http://truebloodwiki.hbo.com/

Our Anniversary

Friday - Six months today that I’ve had this current lackey. I think she’s slowly getting to be where I need her to be. 7/10 - could try harder. I am expressing my disappointment in her lack of effort by continuing to wake her up each night. I may have to review this policy as the whole “a tired lackey is an obedient lackey” fails to account for her streak of rebellion.
Sunday - We’ve been over visiting Dylan and his lackey a couple of times this week as the lackeys have some new tv show they are watching. Dylan and I have fun keeping his neighbours alert and the cat he is cruelly forced to share the house with well away while we’re both there. Although, the ginger fluff factory was in the yard last night. It was lucky I was too focused on the yumminess in my bowl to realise it was sitting on the outside table watching me. When I lifted my nose from the now clean bowl, it was just in time to see a tail disappearing off the edge of the deck. I gave chase. The damn thing was too fast and too familiar with pre-planned escape routes for me to catch it. I did give the lackey a stern talking to when I got back to the door as she had just stood there, watching me eat, without pointing out the cat to me. Bad lackey.

you CAN teach an old lackey new tricks

Over Dylan’s again tonight and I gave the lackey another lesson in observation. Walking into the dark bathroom, I crept up to the back of the lackey’s legs and waited to see if she would notice me. She didn’t. When she turned, she stuck her great bog fat black boots out and promptly trod on my toes. I yelped and the lackey tried to step back, lift her foot and bend down to check I was okay all at once. Naturally, her monkey brain isn’t capable of this level of physical planning so her legs and arms got confused and she started to fall. Sticking out her arm may have stopped her face going onto the pointy corner of the tiled bath but that made her yelp as her arm was bent and weighted in a way that it doesn’t normally bend. I know the lackey is rather strong for a female of her useless species but she just couldn’t pull off a catching, diving one-armed push up with no stable footing. Idiot monkey. Anyway, this tough lesson has taught her to be hyper-aware of my movements at all times. Finally! It has even prompted her to change her walking style – she now slides her feet around me and tests her footing before transferring her weight. More of a wading bird style than the foot slapping stride she’s had till now. Now we can cross that lesson off the list, I’m going to move on to psychic feedback that compels the lackey to feed me without the need for me to ask for food in any way.

The price of getting stir-crazy

Three days of cold and wet weather meant that even though it was very cold last night, it wasn’t raining so the lackey and I NEEDED to go for a walk. But a small skid in the mud on our own footpath encouraged us to walk on the road for safety sake which is normally something the lackey does not allow. So that meant the park was a silly idea so we stuck to the paths and turned left at the school instead and went around a block we hadn’t been around before. Very quiet, hardly anyone home until we got to a very solid, very high fence and a Hellhound yelled at us at the top of his lungs. The lackey tried to get me to keep going but I wanted to tell him to shut up and not be so rude so I doubled back. Unfortunately for the lackey, neither of us paid attention to the long lead on my harness so one quick circle and a lunge later, the lackey was face planted into the footpath. She was not best pleased with this but was back up on her feet and yelling at me in no time. The Hellhound’s handler had heard him yelling and came out to check on him and saw the lackey fall, they assured each to her that all was well and we went home. The shortest walk in months was also the most eventful! When we did get home the lackey explained to me that she was relieved to have been wearing two layers of clothes as that saved her arms and knees a bit. She did point to her skinned knee and bleeding hand and told me I did it. No – you did that yourself, you idiot monkey, by not holding the lead properly and not reacting fast enough to my curiosity over a new friend. Still, I could see her point, or at least pretended to so I wouldn’t be commanded outside for the night. But in the deep dark, I felt a bit sorry for the lackey as she whimpered a bit when I stepped on her legs in the night so I thought and I thought about what I could do to cheer her up so I thought about what cheers me up and I had the answer – raw cow bones. I couldn’t go outside and get her the one I had left from the morning as the laundry door was shut against the cold so I did the next best thing – I hacked up the one I had eaten earlier. Now the lackey didn’t respond the way I expected. My walking to the foot of the bed had roused her a little so when she heard me yakking she said “Please don’t tell me you’re chucking on the bed”. Okay… but I was. The lackey made this strangled sort of I’ve-given-up sound and it seemed like she wasn’t going to get up and share my second hand bone bits. So I did what was right and cleaned them up myself the only way a dog can – I ate them back down again. Crunchie, crunchie. The lackey groaned a bit and I thought for a moment she was going to hack up something for me but she didn’t. Still, no harm done. I still got my breakfast and my treat and my cuddle when she left for work. She did tell me to clean up the rest of the bones on the deck but it was still half dark so I went back in the laundry instead and went to sleep.

Another dull week

Not a lot going on. We skipped our lap around the neighbourhood twice this week due to cold and wet. It’s too damn nice snuggled down in the cushions on my lounge to go flouncing around the park for ages and ages just coz the lackey wants to tire me out. Spent Saturday asleep and warm while the lackey did whatever it is she does when she says “I’m on the computer Lucy, I won’t be long”. HA! She was there all afternoon and evening and again today. But we played tug-of-wars for a while and went on a huge walk before it got way too cold to be outside and I got three lots of treats between naps – all is forgiven. So when we got back from our walk, it was telly time. I slept, the lackey laughed here and there and then the damn car noises started up and went till late. The lackey did worry me for a moment very late in the evening when she made this weird gasping strangling sort of noise that woke me up and then spent 15 minutes gabbling on the phone to Nanna about someone named Mark Webber who had something dangerous happen. But he was fine so I don’t know why the cow bothered to make all that noise and wake me.

I tried – again

During our walk tonight, we saw people in the street for the first time in ages and one of them was gorgeous! He was a lovely white and tan husky that I hadn’t seen before and his lackey. He had the lovely deep fur you just want to walk over to and roll around in until you’re all warm and his lackey was okay looking for a talking monkey. I stopped to lick noses with the father of my children – well, he would be if I hadn’t had the snip. I kept waiting for my idiot lackey to engage his lackey in conversation or at least exchange names so I could start making up names for our imaginary kids but she never did! She told ME to play nice, told ME to be good, not once did she speak directly to the other lackey. Then off we go and off they go and neither of us got any action! The least she could have done was get names. A better lackey would have talked them into escorting us home and invited them in for treats and never have let them go. Bad lackey.

How to change things from Dull to Fun

The lackey is very busy at her work and this means our nights on workdays are very dull – cuddles when she gets home, food, walk, telly, bed. This is okay, it’s a good routine that we both cope well with but it gets duller than a used chew toy that doesn’t taste good any more. So I thought I’d make things more interesting for us both over the weekend. The lackey did some cleaning so I did some digging and tracked some nice dirt back inside as soon as the vacuum was silent again. The lackey wasted some time on her computer while I had my nap. This was allowable and I didn’t bother giving her grief over it as she let me sleep and made almost no noise. The lackey fed and walked me and we sat down to watch some telly. Wrong – I had to play first. Tug-of-wars was only half hearted as the lackey sat down on the floor and watched the telly more than she watched me. She did whine a few times that she was trying to watch her show but who cares about that. Then I went outside to complain to the neighbours that they were making far too much noise and when I came back inside the lackey was knitting. Absolutely not! When she knits, the damn thing she’s been working on the whole time I’ve known her is spread out over the low table and her lap and she gets all huffy if I try and stand on her for scratches. So, in order to show her the error of her ways, I initiated a stealth attack. I waited until her attention was firmly on counting loops of wool and dived up onto the lounge and onto her leg. My aim was perfect as I scored bonus points for knocking her full glass of water onto the papers on the table and down her leg. She made this weird noise and then kept going no, no, no, no as she tried to put the needles down without unhooking the wool, not stab me, push me off her lap, stop the glass from rolling onto the floor, save the papers from the spill and pick up the water. I would have scored maximum points if she had cried but she held herself together and got the cloth to clean up the spill. I sat there looking very pleased with myself because the water had removed some ink from the papers on the low table and the lackey was worried she’d have to stop knitting to re-do her pattern. Victory! But it was very short-lived. Apparently the pattern is the same left and right so she just checked the dry side and did it backwards to make up the bits that got washed away. But I was not finished! During the night, I pretended to need to pee after every nap so I had the lackey up and down all night and she was so tired and worn out that I didn’t even get yelled at. Mind you, at deep dark she did refuse (with bad words) to get out of bed at all. Then I got her up at sunrise this morning for breakfast. See – much more interesting!

Tips for getting your lackey out of bed

As Mid-Winter approaches, the mornings are getting chilly, especially for those of us with fine pelts who don’t have the benefit of oodles of hair to fluff about in. If you are having trouble getting your lazy lackey out of bed and into the pantry to get your breakfast, here are some tips you may wish to use.
Level 1 – walk about on the top of the bed covers without being careful where you step to wake them up
Level 2 – stroll up the bed, step on the bulges under the covers and give them a great big kiss
Level 3 – sit on the pillow and clean their face
Level 4 – stay on the pillow even if they try and shove you away, also clean ears and teeth – this last one may take some twisting and timing but if you can catch your lackey with their mouth open, you are guaranteed of complete wakefulness and probably some foul language
Level 5 – when they sit up to wipe your slobber out of their mouth, take the lifting of the covers as a signal to tear down inside the covers to the bottom of the bed and begin cleaning their feet – relax, you’ve licked worse off your own paws and/or arse than you will ever find on your lackey’s feet… hopefully
Level 6 – when they sit up and pull their feet away from you, follow them up and use your neck or back to move the covers further away from them, exposing their back to the cold if at all possible – once your lackey feels the cold air, they will get up and get your breakfast just so you will leave them alone and let them go back to bed in peace
Level 7 – to really dig the claw in, while the lackey is out in the cold kitchen preparing your breakfast, you will naturally stay in bed and snuggle down into the warm covers until you hear the pantry door close and the lackey cursing under their breath
Level 8 – eat your breakfast and go out for a pee while the lackey will probably do the same although, as the lackey can pee inside and you have to go outside in the frost, as soon as you finish, race back in, dive up onto the bed, lick their face, get them to raise them arm in defence, shot in under the arm and the covers and plant all four icy paws on their torso
Level 9 – if your lackey manages to get back to sleep after all this, repeat torture levels 1 through 6 until they just plain give up and go get in the hot shower to get away from you
Congratulations – you now have a toasty warm bed all to yourself.